Today, I found out that I have to take a weekly workshop outside of class time all semester, and it's only offered on the day I have the most work hours. I barely make ends meet as it is, but the professor said to figure it out or fail. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML
Today, I asked my husband when he first knew he loved me. He replied, totally honestly, that I was the easiest girl he'd ever managed to talk into a one-night stand, only instead of doing the walk of shame the next morning, I stayed so long we ended up married with kids. FML
Today, my mother, who insists on sticking her nose into every aspect of my life, found out I'm only "middle management" and called my boss to criticize her for undervaluing me, demanding I be promoted immediately. I'm now the laughing stock of my office. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, I got kicked in the balls twice in two hours. The first was my (now ex) girlfriend when I confronted her about cheating on me, and the second was her overprotective friend who thought that I was the cheater. One is a cheerleader, and the other is a soccer player. FML
benjamins39 tells us more.
benjamins39 12
OP here....yes, they are both female, and that’s kinda there way of doing things when pissed at a guy, fire away. Not the first time my ex has kicked me, hoping it was the last though. She got off the direct hit, the soccer player was kinda a graze, but they were so sore it felt like a direct hit. After walking funny for a day or so, all good now
Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML
Today, I had debilitating stomach cramps and told my mom, but she said she was too tired to take me to the ER. I had appendicitis. Thanks Mom. FML
Today, my wife screamed to stop the car in an intersection, so I slammed on the brakes. From the left, an SUV rammed full force into us. My wife is unharmed, but I now have a broken left arm and our car is totaled. On the bright side, she caught the Pokémon in the road. FML
Today, my dad brought home a strawberry shortcake to celebrate my turning 21 at midnight. It looked amazing, but it would've been better if he'd remembered that I’ve been allergic to berries for 6 years now. FML
Noel J Reed tells us more.
Noel J Reed 10
Hi, op here. So I understand that while strawberries aren’t technically berries, I am in fact still allergic to them and pretty much every berry and berry like fruit, I’ve been hospitalized due to this so we all take it very seriously. And btw lobby_bee I’m not only a barely 5’2 woman, I’m a psychology major who is open to talk to you about all this anger you have for random people on the internet. Oh, and you misspelled grateful :)
Today, I took a shower while my two-year-old slept. In the 30 minutes it took me to shower, get dressed, and go back to his room, he had woken up, taken his pants and diaper off, and smears crap all over himself and his bed. FML
Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML
Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML
Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML
Today, I went bowling with my family. When my brother went up to buy a drink refill, the guy at the counter kindly refilled it for free and told him that he thought I was pretty. My dad laughed and shouted, "Pretty ugly!" FML
Today, hoping to seal the deal on a promotion, I had my boss over for dinner. My dad, who lives with me, started ranting about homosexuals burning in hell. My boss’s daughter is a lesbian. Now my dad’s nose is broken and I fear for my job. FML
Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML
Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML
Today, I was watching the news. Apparently a local pizza shop was shut down after pictures of a hundred cockroaches scuttling on the make table were posted online. In my hand was a slice of the pizza I had ordered there yesterday. FML
Symphoniaes tells us more.
Symphoniaes 32
Hey, OP here. This happened a little while ago, and I wanted to give an update. They actually had the gall to reopen the store “under new management” and put big yellow signs in the windows to let everyone know that they were open and hiring. I drove by there yesterday, however, and the windows and door were boarded up. I still throw up a little just thinking about it.
Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML
Today, a child that was born due to my donation to a sperm bank in 1995 contacted me. My current wife, who I met in 2003, is convinced I cheated on her and is filing for a divorce. FML
Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the New Year's cleanse I was hoping for. FML
Today, a student's parent yelled at me because they had to pay for school equipment their son had stolen from my desk. Apparently, it's my fault because the item was just too tempting for him not to steal. FML
Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML
Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML
Today, a brief survey of everyone I know revealed that everyone, including my parents, sibling, and best friends, thinks I'm gay. I had to do the first reverse coming out in history. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I had a money nightmare. I'd accidentally purchased a single potato for exactly $22 and it was non-refundable. FML
Today, I found out that my ten-page paper, which has taken me two months to construct perfectly and is worth 30% of my grade, was on the wrong book. It’s due tomorrow. FML
Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML
Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML
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