Today, I went to the ER due to intense headaches. My partner was unable to go with me so he called his father to drive me. My father-in-law now knows that every time I orgasm my head feels like it will explode. He also knows that it happened 4 times last week. FML
Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML
Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML
Today, my husband of 10 years decided only after I told him I wanted a divorce that his niece is also his daughter. FML
Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML
Today, while I took my dog out, my mother began to cook, took a Xanax, locked the doors, and passed out. When I managed to get in, I called the paramedics because she was in the smoke for at least an hour. When she became conscious, she blamed me for everything. FML
Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML
Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to a theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hours later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML
Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML
Today, I was told that since I've had only three or four periods since 2013, there's 60 periods worth of blood clotted in my uterus. They gave me medicine to make it all come out in one week. FML
Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML
Today, I was helping my uncle clean his house. He's a bit of a hoarder, so I suggested donating some of his pots. We got into a fight and I left. He then called my mom to claim that I stole his pots. After being yelled at he realized that they were in his dishwasher. FML
Today, I got home early from work at 2am to find my girlfriend of 5 years missing. Upon further inspection, I caught the "other man" dropping her off out front. So much for the engagement ring I bought for her. FML
Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML
Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my live-in boyfriend after a long dry spell. It was passionate and great, until I hurt my back changing positions. Now he refuses to touch me, going as far as sleeping on the couch to give me "enough space". Hello new dry spell. FML
Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML
Today, as a big fan of spicy food and a huge challenge seeker, I decided to try the hottest burger I could order. Despite being warned by a waitress, I went for it. After eating a third, I had trouble breathing from the spiciness. The waitress was smirking. FML
Today, I realized my sleepwalking habit has reached new heights. How? I woke up in the bathroom. On a plane headed to California. FML
Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML
Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML
Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML
Today, my pants kept falling down. Since I didn't have a belt on, I decided to tuck the waistband around my underwear to keep them in place. While on a date, I tried to adjust my pants, but ended up pulling them down along with my boxers. In the middle of a restaurant. FML
Today, after moving 1,400 miles across the country, quitting my full-time job, and selling most of my furniture to attend flight school, I got a call a month before my start date saying that they are closing my location. FML
Today, I woke up to see my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for two weeks. My annual two week vacation starts today too. FML
Today, I didn't put any makeup on my acne-ridden and newly sun-burnt face. Today was also the first time I've ever run into my crush outside of work, all while trying to parallel park in a car that hasn't been washed in 6 months. I hit the car behind me. FML
Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML
Today, I was entertaining my 12-year-old cousin in the yard when two of my cats chased down and killed a baby bunny right in front of us. FML
boopingsnoot tells us more.
So, the second half of the story: Cousin got the bunny away from the cats before it was completely dead, and when I couldn’t fix her “new pet” she wanted to sit and watch it die. And take it to another relative’s house and bury it in *their* yard. Took a while to convince her to leave it in a “safe place” (bushes where my cats like to hang out, so they could finish the job). Hey, saves me money on cat food.
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