Today, at work, I had some palpitations, which ultimately caused me to become hot, dizzy, and pass out. I couldn't go home because we were so short staffed, and three different colleagues asked me if I was pregnant. FML
Today, I got broken up with by someone I wasn't even dating. They had gone radio silent for two weeks and just popped in to say it was "better to be honest" instead of radio silence. FML
Today, I read that egg whites make a good hair treatment. Everything was going fine until, without thinking, I turned the hot water on to wash it out. I'm still picking the cooked egg out of my hair. FML
Today, I went to a wedding with my boyfriend. He became moonstruck with one my friends and said she looked sexy in her dress. The whole night, I was nonexistent to him. He’s now confused as to why I’m giving him the silent treatment. He literally has no clue. FML
Today, I’m proud and happy for having used my bike instead of my car for almost two months. Well, I was. Until I discovered that my car, though clean, dry and with a moisture absorber inside, has started to grow mold. Everywhere. FML
Today, at physical therapy, even though I was wearing underwear, when I went on the leg press machine, my balls popped out of the bottom of my shorts. A bunch of times. The therapist saw. FML
Today, I'm crying in an Uber because my significant other just broke up with me. I'm crying quietly but there's no way the driver hasn't noticed at this point. I'm OK with him not saying anything, but he also hasn't changed the music. All that's playing is Pink, and not the loud, girl-power songs, but the sad, slow ones about love. FML
Today, I realized it was mistake telling my son to toughen up and fight his own battles when he told me he was getting bullied. Apparently, his idea of fighting his own battles involves ipecac. I don't know where he got it, but when I asked, he just gave the Kubrick stare and denied knowing what I was talking about. FML
Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML
Today, my sister commented that she wants to audition for The Voice and that she’s sure she’ll make it to the finals. I said, “You have to have raw talent to do so.” I realized the severity of my comment too late as she teared up and stormed out of the room. My mom took my Macbook and car keys away. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me about a girl who he loved a few years ago. He said, "She was extremely beautiful, and I fell for her for a long time. But it's like with universities, everyone wants to study at Harvard but finally ends up in a regular university that they can afford." FML
Today, my school caught a kid with a firearm, so during our lunch period we had to stay in our classrooms and nobody can leave and nobody can get food. FML
Today, my daughter is so out of touch with anything not related to her phone and her social popularity that she doesn't know who Hitler was. I had to show her on YouTube, and while we aren't religious anymore, we are a Jewish family so this is an extra level of parental shame for me. FML
Today, I unknowingly left a five minute-long voicemail on my boss’s phone, at 3 a.m., while out drinking with friends. I have no idea what we were talking about at that time, but I know I don’t want my boss to have a candid recording of it. FML
Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML
Today, I work as a phone agent at a call center, which frequently brags about their awards as the "best workplace ever" because of their working conditions. In reality, we have to suck it up and ignore the burnouts from phone calls with Karen customers, and with the wage I get paid, I can barely make ends meet. FML
Today, my dog decided to take a poop at the top of an icy hill. Being a good citizen, I went to clean it up. Guess who slipped and wore the poop all the way down the hill… FML
Today, my evil twin sister was preparing for her prom. When I saw her trying on her dress, she looked at me and said, “First to get a boyfriend, a prom date, and into college. Maybe you’ll die first?” FML
Today, I walked outside to get the paper, and saw a dying bird I assumed had flown into the window. It was warm so I thought it might still be alive. I wasn't wearing my glasses though, and was trying to nurse a dog turd back to life. FML
Today, I was so depressed that I almost called Kids Help Phone for support. Then I remembered that I’m 33. FML
Today, my mom walked in on me slow dancing to "Bella's Lullaby" with an anime boy cutout. FML
Today, my superior, who went to meet with client yesterday, told me I needed to prepare a detailed list of changes to enhance the design of a marketing video, and refused to tell me the client's feedback they received, then told me I should figure it out myself. It's the weekend, and they want it by Monday morning. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I was having an affair in The Elder Scrolls Online. While ranting to my online elf husband, he got upset that I had a real life boyfriend and dumped me too. FML
Today, while lifeguarding, I saw someone in the wave-pool who appeared to be drowning. So, I jumped in to attempt to save him. Turns out he wasn't drowning, he only had one arm. He yelled at me. FML
Today, I drove to my job and got a parking ticket for parking in my assigned parking spot. On top of that, my mom's dog gave birth to her puppies in my bathroom. I currently have a parking ticket and ten dogs in my apartment. FML
Today, my family and friends have absolutely refused to comprehend that I hate being touched. They think it's because of how unbearably ticklish I am, and they call me a "Drama Queen" for it. I suffer from haphephobia. We live in a society where people who have very real phobias are referred to as "overdramatic." FML
Today, my boyfriend came home and demanded dinner. I started suggesting things, but he threw out that we should just fend for ourselves. I made pasta and offered him some, but he decided to throw a fit and go to bed at 6:30pm without dinner. He then woke up at 9 to complain he was hungry, then slept on the couch. FML
Today, I failed my driving test. Why? Before I even began driving, someone hit my car while it was still parked. FML
Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML
Today, I apparently didn’t teach my son the difference between defending himself from bullies and knocking out the bully's teeth, breaking his nose, cracking his ribs, and grinding his fingers under his boot until the bone splintered. Yes, the cops are involved and my ex-wife blames me, of course. FML
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