Today, no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t understand my professor’s incredibly thick accent. When I asked if anyone else in class was having trouble, they accused me of being a racist ass. I genuinely have no idea what he’s saying, and no one will share notes with me. Lectures are mandatory. FML
Today, I was on my patio trying to take photos of the amazing sunset. My phone slipped out of my hands and landed on my downstairs neighbor’s patio. When I asked for it back, they slammed the door in my face. I tried to climb over and get it myself. They called the cops on me. FML
Today, I’m so lonely and sick of living that I wish my fictional comfort character was real, only so someone would hug me and tell me I’ll be okay, even if they were lying. FML
Today, I was so lethargic talking to my co-worker about her raise that I accidently told her to celebrate with a family vacation. I totally forgot that she just started divorce proceedings and that her mom is dying. Meanwhile, I'm stuck making $42,000 a year, and have a cat. FML
Today, I bought tickets to Walt Disney World for myself and my 6 year-old. She just announced she's afraid to ride an escalator, to the point of tears. FML
Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML
Today, at my highly stressful job, I found a note telling me to urgently call Margaret. I had no idea who that was and I wasted 2 hours trying to find out if she was in our legal department, political, media, sales, etc. until I remembered. Margaret is my baby sister. I may need a less stressful job. FML
Today, my boyfriend still randomly brings up his ex. He told me what kind of dog his ex's grandma has. What the actual fuck? Whenever we’re out in public, he somehow slips her name into the conversation. He's told me he hates her, but mentioned her name at least 3 or 4 times. FML
Today, I was at Walmart and I asked an employee for help. She turned around with tears streaming down her face and said, “I'm kind of in the middle of an emergency right now!” FML
Today, it's been three days since my mom starting ranting the about the "obscenity" of the Super Bowl halftime show. FML
Today, I cleaned our whole house. I wasn’t expecting praise, it was just the house needed cleaning so I did it. I also wasn’t expecting my girlfriend to get mad at me for “cleaning everything as a form of passive aggressively criticising her for her not having cleaned the house either.” What? FML
Today, I got pulled into a conversation about my 62 year-old boss's new breast implants. FML
Today, I'm solely responsible for my kids, entirely, while my husband goes to the gym, his office, goes running, and plays with his buddies. He wanted kids; I didn't. FML
Today, I spent many hours applying for many scholarships. When the sites asked for my e-mail, to let me know if I'd won, I gave them my school e-mail, one that I often check. I then come to find out the school doesn't let e-mails from outside the school system be sent or received. Lost thousands of dollars as far as I know. FML
Today, I found an eviction notice at the apartment my boyfriend and I share. I always give him my share of the rent, and he pays it. Or so I thought. He’s been using our rent money to shower his side chick with gifts and expensive dinners. The worst part? The girl is my 18 year-old sister. He’s 34. FML
Today, I was supposed to be meeting my daughter's boyfriend, but my wife has locked me in the basement until he leaves, so there’s no chance of me tormenting the boy. Quite wise on her part, I had all kinds of evil ideas, but now I’m locked in here, I’m bored as hell. FML
Today, I told a customer to have a nice day. Little did I know it'd make her have an emotional breakdown and nearly cause me to lose my job. FML
Today, my mother went on another rant about the Smart TV not working. Instead of turning it off and on like she's been told to do before, she'll sit and complain about it. Even fixing it for her doesn't stop her complaining for another half-hour about technology. FML
Today, my wife tried to forbid me from going to the gym anymore because in public she looks fat stood next to me and it’s embarrassing. She picked me up from the gym yesterday and saw all the “thin gym sluts” I prefer to spend my time with instead of her. God, I’m sick of her lazy jealous BS. FML
Today, my mother yet again chose to put my brother's junkie of an ex-girlfriend's needs and happiness above mine, despite the fact that she's stolen thousands of dollars and anything else of value from my mom's house. FML
Today, I crouched in front of my closet, lost my balance, and broke my thumb trying to steady myself. I'm an artist, and can't work now. I should probably lose some weight. FML
Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML
Today, I thought my date last night went quite well, especially when she called me first thing this morning… until it turned out she wasn’t very impressed, and wanted my brother's number instead. The single, successful lawyer, who is 6 inches taller than me, who she saw on my Facebook page. FML
Today, my mother refuses to believe I’m gay because I’m too handsome. Apparently only really ugly men can be gay, because they’re too ugly to get women, and choose to date other ugly guys instead. I can’t believe I came out of that bigoted, racist, scumbucket's womb. The thought makes me sick. FML
Today, I got locked inside the entrance area of a Walmart. I had to get an employee to get me out. FML
Today, in our family group chat, my sister-in-law asked me what I got my new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Not long after, my brother called me pissed off about me making him look bad. FML
Today, my two best friends decided to boycott Valentine's Day, ditching their boyfriends to hang out together. Not only am I single, but I wasn't invited. FML
Today, like an idiot, I accidentally included stuff I learned from snooping in my daughter's secret diary during a conversation with her. She's not happy at me right now, so I may have to polish off my old grovelling skills from when I was still married to her mom. FML
Today, I learned it is in fact possible to give birth despite having had no symptoms of pregnancy, including no weight gain. Our daughter made a surprise appearance this morning at 6 lbs exactly, and we are in no way ready. We don’t even have clothes for her. My husband is acting like he’s been concussed. FML
Today, I bought some roller skates to go with the set my daughter got for her birthday. I haven’t skated since I was a kid, but I figured it was like riding a bike and I couldn’t have forgotten altogether. My broken coccyx disagrees. FML
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