Nearly FML

By not a morning person - 06/03/2016 21:23 - United States

Today, I woke up as 5:00 for my job as a nanny. As I turned off my phone alarm, I saw a text from the mom at 10:00 last night, two hours after I went to bed in order to wake up so early, saying the other sitter was covering it. FML

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By CFB_FRS - 06/03/2016 21:19 - Canada - Bolton

Today, while moderating FMLS, I saw an FML posted by my girlfriend about me. FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 21:10 - United States

Today I threw up twice while I was working. After that my boss asked me if I can stay half an hour more. Fml.

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By ImGrossedOutToo - 06/03/2016 20:56 - United States - Stillwater

Today, after feeling sick all day, I threw up in the shower. As I'm on my hands and knees in the shower, my long term boyfriend came in, wrinkled his nose and said "Gross.... clean it up," then proceeded to ignore me to hang out with his friends the rest of the night. FML.

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By noactionforme - 06/03/2016 20:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after dealing with my husband's little shit cousins for four hours, I decided to make some moves on my husband after we got home. He pushed me away and said we couldn't have sex because "That's how babies happen." FML.

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By somecoolusername - 06/03/2016 20:33 - United States - Torrance

Today, my fear of rejection has gotten so bad that I was scared to request a rematch in an online trivia game, in fear of my opponent rejecting my rematch request. FML.

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By Calingaladha - 06/03/2016 20:26 - United States

Today, as I was trying to pull my dog out of the way of people walking up to our building, I slipped on the ice and hit my head on the sidewalk. FML.

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By horror_girl - 06/03/2016 20:21

Today I went to administer my blood thinning injection. Im phobic, so my hands shake. I carefully bent back the safety guard to inject, and the safety broke off in my hand. FML

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By anon-dog - 06/03/2016 20:01 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home early to surprise my husband since he works from home. Turns out I was the surprised one when I found him ball gagged and being fisted by a large black man. I guess I'm not enough wo-MAN enough FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 19:59 - United States - Bulger

Today, A customer brought his printer in and asked if we could repair it. It would be a fairly normal situation, but he left out the part where he storages it in a shed all winter and now it's infested with stinkbugs. Fml

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By xDrakeNinja - 06/03/2016 19:57 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a presentation to do today in French. Last time I got a terrible mark for mixing up lines and forgetting a few lines. I tried much harder this time, memorizing day and night without breaks...so our teacher can change her mind and make us do something else. FML

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By Clone - 06/03/2016 19:56 - United States

Today, a jealous boyfriend punched me in the face for having sex with his girlfriend. Apparently, I look really similar to someone else cause I haven't had sex in two years. FML.

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By MapleWaffle - 06/03/2016 19:35 - United States - Poughkeepsie

Today, my mother called to tell me that the family would not be coming over for my daughters first birthday party due to there "not being enough room for everyone". Only one other person showed up. FML

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By reallystressed - 06/03/2016 19:29 - United States - Westborough

Today, I finally finished an application for a private school after months of my parents pestering me to finish it. When I showed it to them, they claimed it was crap and told me to start over. Now, they're giving me hell for not starting it sooner. It's due in two days. FML

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By birdman - 06/03/2016 19:25 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today,I got a bird. We both learned 2 things. It learned how to open its cage and I learned I need to keep my windows closed.FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 19:06 - United States

Today, I woke to my mother screaming at me and she decided that my plans I had made a month ago for today were not as important as her going to the store and nail salon. While I watched my two younger siblings. FML

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By Squeepy - 06/03/2016 19:00 - United States - Flat Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I tried to spice up our sex life after a dry spell by using some new positions. I almost fell off the bed, and in my panic to grab ahold of something, I ended up punching him in the nose. Now he has a red nose and I still have blue balls. FML.

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 18:57 - United States - Houston

Today, I'm staying at my sister's house. Her kids are so spoiled, every two seconds there's someone stepping on my feet to sit on my lap, screaming, or crying. Two days to go. FML.

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By SkyeeeXD - 06/03/2016 18:55 - Singapore - Singapore

Today,I told my guy friends that my brothers played the game "fire truck" together, then my guy friends asked my if my brothers were gay. When I went home and searched up the game, turns out it is a sex game.FML.

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By poopy pants - 06/03/2016 18:48 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got sick. I also have to choose between vomiting into the toilet and shitting my pants or shitting on the toilet and puke on the floor. FML

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By Brindilles - 06/03/2016 18:44 - United States - Reno

Today, my boyfriend and I were super excited to spend my birthday having a fancy dinner in our room at a resort hotel- all of which he insisted on planning for me. He apparently didn't realize that these kinds of things have to be ordered or reserved in advance. We're heading back home right now.

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By EmmaRose105 - 06/03/2016 18:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I found out my neighbor has been breaking into my house everyday after I go to work. Not to steal anything though, just to use my toilet and bathtub. FML

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By stupidcollegekid - 06/03/2016 18:25 - United States - Holly

Today, I forgot my wallet in my dorm room. This would have been okay, had I been at school, and not home on spring break. FML

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By ashameddentalfail - 06/03/2016 18:00 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I visited the dentist. Whilst pleading for a broken tooth to be fixed it was very hard to think of a lie. The real reason was I kept hurting my boyfriend when going down on him due to the tooth position. I couldn't think of a lie. FML

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By onlyme25 - 06/03/2016 17:58 - United States - Panama City

Today, My mother took my daughter for the weekend so she wouldn't get my cold. My mom just called me this morning and said my daughter is sick. FML.

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By Leauge - 06/03/2016 17:43 - United States - Owensboro

Today, I got fired from my job because I refused to take part in a threesome with my boss and a 16 year old girl. I can't complain to HR because I was the only HR they had. FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 17:41 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, things were getting steamy between my boyfriend and me when we decided to migrate to the shower. I guess my naked, wet body wasn't enough to get him horny because he burst into giggles everytime I touched him. The most action I got was from the razor I used to shave my legs. FML.

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By Burnin' Burnin' love - 06/03/2016 17:35 - United States - Katy

Today, I woke up with agonizing vaginal burning. Turns out my boyfriend ate an entire plate of hot wings before turning his attention to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 06/03/2016 17:17 - United States - Pflugerville

Today, my mom, my little brother and me were out and when we were leaving my little brother started to chant "sissy need some condoms" over and over again not knowing what it meant and my mom said "no we're not, your sisters face is protection enough" and it went silent. FML

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By dates - 06/03/2016 16:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was on a date with a pretty girl, she found the "handsome" waiter more interesting than me and flirted more with him than me the whole night. Worst part is I tipped him really well cause my "date" told me to. FML

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Today, I busted my ass to help this old lady move her stuff because she was going to a nursing home. I was told I would get paid. When I finished four hours later the lady took me to a room and told me to pick out anything in her little goody bag. I got a race car as payment. FML

agreeclassic 54 401

vote type 1 9 530

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

agreeclassic 43 490

vote type 1 6 159

Today, I got no happy birthday wishes from anyone. I decided to call my sister to see if she'd remembered. My 6-year-old niece answered, so I told her it was my birthday. She said that it's tomorrow. After ten minutes of arguing with a 6-year-old, I checked the calendar. It's tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 9 155

vote type 1 60 868

Today, I was cleaning up after my mom visited with her dogs. She'd left a little pill jar on the kitchen counter. Had she forgotten her medicine? It made a weird, soft sound when I shaked it. I opened the lid to shake some pills into my hand, only it wasn't pills. It was two fat ticks. FML

agreeclassic 1 501

vote type 1 247

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML

agreeclassic 42 079

vote type 1 6 744

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

agreeclassic 31 740

vote type 1 2 613