Nearly FML

By Fed up - 05/03/2016 11:37 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend of six months left me for another guy because I don't earn enough and don't spend enough time with her because my job is so demanding. I'm a full time journalist. He works part time at a phone case stand in the local shopping centre and still earns more than me. FML.

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By Poopsupreme - 05/03/2016 11:36 - India - Mumbai

Today, I got so freaking drunk that I somehow ended up in a gay strip club and found dollar bills in my underwear. FML

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By yolomcswagginss - 05/03/2016 11:35 - United States - Vacaville

Today, I was walking down the sidewalk from my boyfriends house, I was alone and started to hum as I walked. I then decided to fart since I was alone. But suddenly I heard a rustle in the bushes. My boyfriend was following me and tried to scare me. FML.

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By someone - 05/03/2016 10:49 - Australia - Ipswich

Today, I was on a plane and I really needed to pee, so I got up and went to the bathroom not only did I realise that I didn't lock the door, until the guy I was staring at half the trip walked in on me. FML.

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By dysfunctional_fa - 05/03/2016 10:22 - United States - Brighton

Today, my husband and I were informed by my sister that several pairs of my underwear were discovered in her husband's possession. We were all living under the same roof at one point. He must have snuck them out of the washer or dryer on laundry day when no one was looking.

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By channelmonica - 05/03/2016 10:12 - United States - Homer Glen

Today, after hours of studying all night, I decided to grab a quick bite to eat before finally getting some sleep. All would have went well if I didn't accidentally wash it down with an energy shot. FML

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By anon - 05/03/2016 09:48 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I got let go. I decided to get drunk. I tried to pull off the cap of a grey goose bottle. I ended up smacking myself in the mouth with the cap. I now have a broken tooth and no insurance or money. FML

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By HeDidntTellMe - 05/03/2016 09:35 - United States - New York

Today, I learned that even though I've never slept in my date's bed, it didn't prevent the bed bugs he had from getting into my own. FML

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By saywhat - 05/03/2016 08:19 - United States - Nashville

Today, after being asked, I told my friend I find Trump to be racist. She called me close minded, said he isn't because his wife is a different race, then said she's going to vote for him. FML

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By unfortunatenews - 05/03/2016 07:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cousin died. Telling one of my best friends while I was crying over the phone, she replies by saying "What?" and "Wow. That's crazy." Then starts talking about her day. FML

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By Maki - 05/03/2016 07:47 - Egypt - Aswan

Today, I was at work and I wanted to bring my gf something because, well, she just moved in 2 weeks ago, I brought her a perfume, ans I got back to my house, to see her fucking a guy. FML.

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By catnime - 05/03/2016 07:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I went with a friend to visit her crush. Since I'm extremely ackward around new people, it was nice when he and I bonded. She got pissed and jealous at me for bonding, saying I'm trying to steal him away. I'm now no longer allowed to move in with her and him. She knows I'm a lesbian. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 06:57 - United States - Washington

Today, while working my job at a bar, the cops came in for a routine check. The guy closest to them decided to declare his hatred for cops and then proceeded to ask if I get high and that I look like someone who gets high a lot. FML.

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By sushifor5 - 05/03/2016 06:36 - United States - Portland

Today I went from having plans for an amazing date with an incredible woman. To being a 5th wheel with friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 06:28 - United States - Meridian

Today, I took a romantic bath with my girlfriend, with candles and a glass of wine. After we got out she proceeded to play fun run 2 for a half an hour and killed the mood. Fun run ruined my sex life. FML.

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By arielmr116 - 05/03/2016 06:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend fingered me. When he pulled out, his finger was covered in blood. Thanks for that, Mother Nature. FML

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By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 06:01

Today, I found out that my mom thought I was a bully when I was a kid. Today, my mom found out that I was horribly bullied through all 13 years of school. Good to know she listened the billion times I asked her for help growing up. FML

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By okayfine - 05/03/2016 05:57

Today, after not being able to sleep for two weeks I took a sleeping pill to get a good nights rest, only to have my house robbed.FML

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By Anonymous - 05/03/2016 05:49 - United States - North Richland Hills

Today, I finally asked my wife why she always refers to our children as her children. Apparently, I am not the father. FML

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By OMG - 05/03/2016 05:49 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, after being taught my whole life that homosexuality is wrong, I realized that I am in fact gay. I'm still not sure what to tell me family. FML

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By KayleeFrye - 05/03/2016 05:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought in snacks for my students to celebrate the end of the semester. Not only did no one say, "Thank you," they also complained about the "crappy" selection of food and left the room a complete mess. My students are adults. FML.

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By Wrong Assumption - 05/03/2016 05:14 - United States - Omaha

Today, my roommate messaged me asking me for advice. I knew she was out with this guy, and I told her that she should go for it and sleep with him. She messaged me back and told me she was trying to convince a friend of hers not to kill themselves. FML

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By Humaned - 05/03/2016 05:12 - Cura?ao - Willemstad

Today, I woke up to a blood drenched bed. I'm not on my period and I have no cuts. I'm absolutely terrified. FML

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By Mitch_Venner - 05/03/2016 05:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, after paying 400$ to fix my bumper, the whole thing flew off while going down the highway at 75 mph and caused a smart car to flip.... Into a cop. FML

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By Thx Bro - 05/03/2016 05:11 - Germany - Oberhausen

Today, my teacher asked to talk to me. Apparently when my brother said that he will get me back, what he meant was to write sex desires onto my schoolnotes. I handed them in last week. Most awkward conversation. FML

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By Anon - 05/03/2016 04:53 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I was about to take a mid term for one of my classes when I was beaten over the head from behind by a girl because apparently my desk touching her foot is "sexually harassing" her, FML.

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By DawneHunter - 05/03/2016 04:40 - Australia - Castle Cove

Today, My mum once again tried to kick my out of the house because I said that her boyfriend couldn't sleep over, and apparently even though it's my house she is still allowed to do so. FML

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By mOm - 05/03/2016 04:38 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I had to take my 9 year-old son to the clinic to get some stitches for the third times this month. Why? Because he still kept jumping from his bunk bed and it's not because of his landing. It's because his jump always hits the ceiling fan. FML

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By Fumi - 05/03/2016 04:37 - United States - Missoula

Today, while at work at a grocery store, I tried to page my supervisor over the intercom. What I meant to say was "Customer service to Express please" but instead I tripped over my words and said "Customer cervix please". I was mortified but at least the customers laughed. FML

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By kms - 05/03/2016 04:35 - United States - Portland

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask the love of my life out. I approached her after 3rd period, only to see my best friend ask her to go to the movies with him. She said yes. FML

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Today, I got the best advice for my depression and anxiety from my parents and relatives: "Get it out of your head, there's no such thing. And get married!" FML

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Today, I had one of the worst first dates of my life. After leaving the restaurant early, we went to a party to try and salvage the night. My date then got wasted, ended up puking in the back seat of my car on the way home, then lied about it. My night ended with me cleaning vomit out of my car. FML

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Today, nine weeks after giving birth, my husband and I finally tried to have sex since a friend was watching the baby. Not only could I not get wet due to hormones, but as soon as he got back from buying lube, his drunk brother called needing a ride from the bar. No sex for me. FML

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Today, a homeless guy asked me for a cigarette. Knowing that I only had a couple left in my pack, I gave it to him. He opened it, took one out and thanked me profusely. A bit surprised, I went on my way. Oh yes, that's right, the pack contained the money I'd withdrawn from an ATM. FML

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Today, it's the 11th anniversary of my dog's adoption, who died a few months ago. I miss her and can’t stop crying. I’m very sick and don’t know if I’ll ever be fit to have a dog again. Loneliness sucks big time. FML

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Today, at work, I was on the toilet for so long the motion lights turned off. I stood up, pants around my ankles and began waving my arms above the stall to get them to turn on again. At that exact moment, my boss walked in. FML

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