Nearly FMLs

By asshole brother - 22/03/2016 01:34 - United States - Lyman

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to text my boyfriend, "I love sitting on your face as much as shitting on your bed." He won't return my calls and he's on a 2-week vacation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bad teacher - 22/03/2016 01:27 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was waiting for the bus after work. I looked down and something caught my eye. A condom. On my calve. In my pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By dog_lover - 22/03/2016 01:24 - United States

Today, I had an ice cream scoop in hand and was on my way to the freezer to get a bowl of chocolate ice cream when my parents began discussing our dog's diarrhea and anal glands in detail. Guess I won't have any ice cream then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 22/03/2016 01:23

Today, a girl asked if I am going to prom. She said that she did not have a date so I told my best friend that he should ask her to prom. She said yes... I just realized that she wanted to go with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By BeatHeadHere - 22/03/2016 01:07 - United States - Calhan

Today my wife and I finally carved out a little alone time. Right at the good part, my mom started to blow up our phones. Worried, with a quick finish up, and covered in our own juices we answer just for her to tell us that her cell phone wasn't working. While she was calling from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By bad teacher - 22/03/2016 01:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was waiting for the bus after work. I looked down and something caught my eye. A condom. On my calve. In my pantyhose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Failure at life - 22/03/2016 00:36 - United States - Eau Claire

Today,I bought an automatic fragrance dispenser for my apartment. I was trying to figure out how to turn it on when it sprayed "forever flower" in to my mouth... Eight hours later I still can't stop drooling. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Mac_marie_ - 22/03/2016 00:33 - United States

Today, I woke up sick to my stomach only to be told by my mother that we were going to a concert later this evening and I had to get ready or she would leave without me. It was my favorite band. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By LiteralButtDial - 21/03/2016 23:55 - United States - Cleveland

Today, while removing my jeans to take a dump, I somehow managed to pocket-dial my best friend. Fortunately, she was in class and didn't answer her phone. Unfortunately, I ended up leaving her a 3-minute voicemail of me pooping. She heard everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 23:54 - United States - Irving

Today was drum major try outs for my band. I was a drum major last year, so as long as i did ok i would be guaranteed to make it. I tripped during the marching part, broke my baton while conducting the school fight song, and accidentally said fuck in front of the 4 directors. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By DeadTired - 21/03/2016 23:50 - United States - Eastpointe

Today, my coworker at a tire place pinched my fingers between a car and the hoist. I got my fingers out intact and when I tried to call him out on it, he tried to pass it off as my fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By shart - 21/03/2016 23:42 - Australia

Today, I tried to fart at work with a stomach ache and shit myself. I live an hour's drive away from the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 23:42 - United States - Ashburn

Today, I was having an extremely crappy day. I sent a text about it to several friends. The only person who texted me today was my ex; complaining that we don't talk enough. She wasn't one of the people I told. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 23:40 - Brazil - Cambori?

Today, my internet at home went down for a few hours. I wouldn't have noticed it at all if my parents didn't spend the whole time crying because they couldn't get into Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By capnjacksparrow - 21/03/2016 23:39 - United States - Roslindale

Today, my dad gave me and my siblings a lecture about how we don't contribute enough to the family and how he does all the work. This lecture was delivered while he was eating the burgers I had made an hour earlier and sitting on the set of old chairs I had fixed by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 23:38 - United States - Las Vegas

I was in the middle of changing my handicap mother-in-law's diaper when she let out a huge fart. We both get red in the face while laughing like hyenas, I bend over to try to catch my breath, not thinking about where I'm bending. Guess who got sprayed in the face by a shart? Can anyone say pink eye?

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By euhaso25 - 21/03/2016 23:35 - United States - Defiance

Today, I dropped my phone over the storm grate. Luckily, it land sideways and laid across the bars instead of fall in. Breathing a sigh of relief I bend over to pick it up only to watch my car keys fall from my breast pocket and go right between the bars, down into the sewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By doilooklikeone - 21/03/2016 23:27 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my coworkers all expressed shock when I said I wasn't voting for Donald Trump. "You totally seem the type," one of them said while the others nodded in agreement. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Apparently Racist - 21/03/2016 23:24 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was extremely bored in a lecture hall, so, for whatever reason, I decided that attempting dabbing for the first time would be the best use of time. I managed to botch it so badly that it looked like a Hitler Heil, while in a study of Israel's history. Everyone glared at me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By GilRang3 - 21/03/2016 23:20 - United States

After a month of being single I thought I would try online dating for a change. I met a hot girl and the date went perfectly until I dropped "her" off... One makeout session, a bulge, and a slipped wig later and I am never trying Tinder again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By why - 21/03/2016 23:16 - United States - Aurora

Today, I overheard my parents talking about how much of a useless asset of the house I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By creeped out - 21/03/2016 23:13 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was informed by a friend that my psycho ex has been sitting outside my house staring in my windows with a rifle scope. I am home alone with my two year old since my husband is away on the road! I'm freaking the hell out now. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By RHChiliPeppers - 21/03/2016 23:05 - United States - Walpole

Today, I bought an expensive dog door for my dog, since I don't want to have to open the door every time he wants to go out. After I spent over an hour installing it, my dog looked at the door then looked at me, and while maintaining full eye contact, took a shit on my floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Am_I_Professor_X_now? - 21/03/2016 22:17 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, I was in a car accident, and doctors told me I'd be in a wheelchair for the remainder of my life. I'm a track coach at a Highschool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By whyme - 21/03/2016 22:13 - United States - Northridge

Today, my mom told me that the vacuum was broken and she needed me to look at it and figure out why it was not working. Long story short, the vacuum was perfectly fine; it was just full. I am living with a bunch of morons. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Spencer_40 - 21/03/2016 22:05 - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, while trying to fix a jet in my hot tub, my mom walked out to check on me and she thought I was masturbaiting. I'm not allowed in the hot tub anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By nortwdschick - 21/03/2016 21:48 - United States - Marco Island

Today, my husband and I went deep sea fishing while vacationing. He was too busy catching monster fish to notice I was lying on the ground, slowly dying of sea sickness, dehydration, and sun poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 21:35 - United States - Miami

Today, a few repairmen came over to my house to fix a hole in the floor after eating dinner, and I got diarrhea while waiting for them to leave. I needed to go to the bathroom, but it was occupied, and by the time it was free, it was too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By farmgirl - 21/03/2016 21:34 - Switzerland

Today, I had to alert the authorities to the horrible way my parents keep the animals on their farm. I thought someone would come by and tell them to do better. The police came and now the whole family might be forbidden from having pets. I love my cats. fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 20:57 - United States - Anchorage

I went downtown to the bars with some friends. Both my buddies woke up with girls. I woke up hung over and walked back to my truck. Couldn't find it. Come to find out the city towed all street side vehicles to plow snow. $250 later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my boss thought it would be a great idea to delay paying me until after Christmas. There goes rent, bills, food and of course Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 603

You deserved it 1 703

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 059

You deserved it 3 266

Today, I've got two family members over to stay. So far, I have found a dirty Q-Tip, a nasty toe nail and had to clean up period blood from toilets, bin, and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 738

You deserved it 158

Today, I was finally given a parking spot at work. It turns out to be between an expensive sports car that never parks straight and a giant truck too big for its space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 122

You deserved it 3 387

Today, I have to show my boss daily reports on my work over the last three months. She told me this yesterday. They're mandatory, but nobody has ever wanted to see them in the three years I've been working here, so I have long since stopped doing them. It's now 3 am, I start work at 7.30, and I'm not even close to done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 721

Today, a woman strapped her 8-year-old son into the seat next to me on a transatlantic flight. Thinking they'd been unable to book seats together, I offered to swap seats with her. She said she'd booked it this way intentionally, because he's a "fucking brat" on flights. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 933

You deserved it 2 633