Nearly FMLs

By kmn483 - 22/03/2016 05:43 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I told my girlfriend I was really into the idea of giving her oral, and it was one of my biggest turn-ons. I thought it was a good change of pace from most guys hating the idea. Sadly, she agrees with those guys and would hate to have anyone's head between her legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ThatActingKid - 22/03/2016 05:29 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my best friend told me that I was the "perfect guy" and that any girl would be lucky to have me. Thinking this was her trying to tell me how she felt about me, I asked her to be my girlfriend, to which she replied, "Oh... any girl EXCEPT me."

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By no means yes - 22/03/2016 05:23 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, a guy I met on Tinder who I went out with once and told I wasn't interested in persuing a relationship, couldn't take no for an answer so I blocked him. I took a nap and woke up to calls, texts, facebook messages and a friend request. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By kmn483 - 22/03/2016 04:51 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, I got a call where an old man was yelling at me because I wasn't taking care of his daughter or our child. I was so surprised I couldn't mutter much before he hung up. My friend, his daughter, had to call me back and explain he called the wrong "Kyle" from her address book. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By PackardBell - 22/03/2016 04:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to go to Walgreens with my girlfriend to buy some condoms for later. We got to the store and asked the cashier for a pack of condoms. Afterwards, I looked at the cashier, only to find out it was my college professor... who happens to be my girlfriend's father. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By seriously_CAT - 22/03/2016 04:35 - United States - Denton

Today, my roommate called me a "nagging bitch". What was I "nagging" her about? Locking the front door to our apartment when she leaves. Apparently, there is no possible way anyone would attempt to break into our apartment, even after the other four break-ins at our complex in February. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By jthmdave - 22/03/2016 04:28 - Canada

Today, I realized how sad my life really was when my external hard drive died with all my music, videos and programs on it being lost. It was the single most important thing in my life... I cried... I'm 31.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bonerkiller - 22/03/2016 04:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, while having wild sex with my boyfriend, i somehow managed to head butt him & knock him out cold. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By apparentlytwink - 22/03/2016 04:21 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend invited me over to meet her Family. When left alone with her father he began hitting on me, letting me know he's always liked guys with athletic legs. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By poorgal - 22/03/2016 04:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while on vacation in St Thomas VI, the IRS took all my vacation money in my bank account, $1,500, because my mom, who is secondary on my bank account, owes $16,000 to the IRS. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By milkfx - 22/03/2016 04:07 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to go out late night to Jack in the box without pants in my car. On my way there I got a flat tire, and had to change it on the middle of the road in my boxers.

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By wishy95 - 22/03/2016 04:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to walk my dog as well as my mom's and my sister's even though I have a sprained wrist and a hurt knee. My perfectly healthy sister couldn't do it because she "can't turn the backyard light on." It took almost an hour for me to walk them all and get them back in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By cantbreatheorwalk - 22/03/2016 03:43 - United States - Fremont

Today i went for my first jog in three years because i am hoping to lose weight. while running, a bee stung me and since i am allergic i panicked and tripped over a metal bar, shattering my ankle. my wife still called me a quitter. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By cranberryjuice - 22/03/2016 03:42 - United States - Mckinney

Today, after wrestling for almost a week with a brutal UTI, I used my phones front facing camera to look at the swelling in my nether region. I squatted over the camera, lost control of my bladder, and peed all over my phone and legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By OriginalAuthor - 22/03/2016 03:41 - United States - Caddo Mills

Today, after finally working up enough nerve to ask my boss for a raise, he thought it would be better to just fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By mlia_usually - 22/03/2016 03:36 - United States - Greenway

Today, my girlfriend decided she couldn't do distance anymore, which I respect. Too bad I bought $500 non refundable plane tickets to visit her in a couple weeks yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By anon386 - 22/03/2016 03:33 - United States - Lorton

Today, I was checking my email for any new assignments to be proofread(part of my job is to proofread documents). You'll never guess what I found included in the bunch... I had to proofread my own employee termination letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By M_Underwood - 22/03/2016 03:26 - United States - Titusville

Today, I cut myself on a plastic spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By bxilee - 22/03/2016 03:24 - United States - Corona

Today, after many hours of sleep I've sacrificed to get a very large project done that will make a significant impact on my grade if I don't, I was told that it's not due for another two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By it was an accident - 22/03/2016 03:23 - United States

Today, I cut myself while washing the dishes when a glass bowl broke. My mom is convinced I did it on purpose and insists I pay for the eight stitches on my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 22/03/2016 03:19 - United States - Greenville

Today I was chatting with the guy I like about spring, when the topic of animals coming out again came up. I then mentioned how last week I found a snake in my garage so I chopped its head off. It was only after he looked at me with contempt and horror that I remembered he has two pet snakes. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 3

By notsoofficial - 22/03/2016 02:52 - United States - Valencia

Today, while I was in student service. I was helping pass out papers. One of the students asked me if I was allowed at the school. They thought I was a 4th grader. I'm 16 and a Junior in highschool. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By womanhood - 22/03/2016 02:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that the only reason my boyfriend so generously gave me his old IPhone 5 was so I wouldn't have an excuse not to send him sexy pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Horcruxo - 22/03/2016 02:32 - United Kingdom - Harrogate

Today, I stayed awake for 48 hours to write an essay and submitted it just before the deadline only to receive an email 20 minutes saying the deadline had been extended. What a waste of stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By cashier - 22/03/2016 02:27 - United States - Rochester

Today, I told a very obviously male customer to, "have a great night, ma'am" on total accident. He responds with, "and fuck you too..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By sleepless - 22/03/2016 02:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, for the fourth time in two weeks, my neighbor is holding a very loud, very drunk, very late campfire singalong. I wake up at 5 am for work. Calling the cops does nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By lol old people - 22/03/2016 02:21 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was riding my bike with my friends. This old lady passed us on the side walk and yelled at us to get off it. We just ignored her so we kept on going. She yelled and said im calling the police. The cops came and gave us a lecture not to ride on the side walk. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By anngrace2005 - 22/03/2016 02:14 - United States - Bismarck

Today, the cashier I had was trying to have a conversation with me.She said "When are you due"? I thought I heard her wrong so I said "What"? She then got embarrassed and said "It must be the way you are standing".Guess it's time to go on a diet and wear huge sweatshirts until I'm skinny again, FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Katiym - 22/03/2016 02:07 - United States - Clermont

Today, I was going down on my BF. I bit a little and he decided to ram it down my throat. I retaliated by smacking his leg as hard as possible and he returned with smacking me in the face out of reflex. Now we aren't speaking to each other. Blow job failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By IamHM - 22/03/2016 01:36 - United States - Tijeras

Today I decided I needed to exercise. Halfway down my block, my allergies kicked in and I had a massive coughing/sneezing fit. I sat on the curb trying to keep from dying as other joggers passed by with judgemental looks. So much for exercise today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 256

You deserved it 13 221

Today, my sons are such idiots that they had a blazing punch-up that put both of them in hospital, all because one of them stole the last cigarette from a packet. Never mind they both have their own cigarettes, but for some reason the theft of this one cigarette was the last straw that lead to a punch up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 817

You deserved it 321

Today, while my boyfriend and I were in the shower, we began to get a bit frisky. That was until I lifted my arms and he immediately made one of his "Chewbacca Calls." He was referring to my armpits that I had forgotten to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 578

You deserved it 29 205

Today, I was masturbating in the dark with the door open. I thought I saw a figure outside my door, because I didn't have my glasses on. After intensely staring at the dark figure for about a minute, thinking it was my imagination, my stepdad said, "You know, I'm looking RIGHT at you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 043

You deserved it 89 559

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 182

You deserved it 416

Today, I made the coolest platonic friend who I really liked. She liked me too, until I accidentally found her setting up an OnlyFans and, in a fit of feeling very weird about it, confronted her. Now she won't talk to me at all and has blocked me on every single online platform you could imagine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 315

You deserved it 2 622