Nearly FMLs

By wrathofsoup - 21/03/2016 20:52 - United States - Marietta

Today, I sliced open my hand making dinner and needed 3 stitches. I cut myself on a can of soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bedrestforever - 21/03/2016 20:37 - United States - Chapin

Today I went to get a doctor's sport release for a concussion that has had me in the hospital and on bed rest for the past week+. the doctor listened to me breath then burst out laughing and proceeded to tell me that not only is my concussion still too bad, I also have pneumonia. I'm 17. Fml

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By neverhavingsexagain - 21/03/2016 20:28 - United States

Today, after years of reassurance from my husband, I was finally able to get over my body insecurities during sex. WAS, until he told a friend right in front of me, "eating pussy is nasty because all pussy is nasty, what with the hair, blood, piss, and all". Back to obsessing I go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By to barf or to shit - 21/03/2016 20:20 - United States - San Jose

Today, my boyfriend and I drank. He had too much and barfed all through the night. After his third trip to barf I got the urge to barf from listening. So I ran to the bathroom and did. As I barfed my shit began to come out. I had to choose between barfing or shitting on the floor. I barfed. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By broke - 21/03/2016 20:17 - United States - Downingtown

Today, I dropped my wallet. I found it 3 blocks back, in a homeless man's hand. I kindly asked if I could have it back, and he claimed it was his, and pulled out a drivers license from said wallet. It was mine. He still refuses to give it back. It had my rent money, and a lot of my savings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By spicypie - 21/03/2016 20:16 - United States - New York

Today, I had a very important job interview. Everything was going well until the interviewer let out a long, loud fart while I was in mid-sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By StanleyYelnats - 21/03/2016 20:16 - United States - Reedley

Today, I got called to the office. Kids were yelling things like "you're in trouble, the cops are here for you" which I shrugged off since I have a boring law-abiding life. Turns out they were right. I'm waiting for my mom to drive me to the station and I still don't know what they think I did. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 20:14 - Canada - New Westminster

Today, it's my birthday. despite just having been married a week ago I will be spending it alone cleaning the house. fml.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By MonsterDanielle - 21/03/2016 19:54 - United States - Houston

Today, it's my three year anniversary with my boyfriend. Instead of spending time with me after work, he immediately came home and started playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By i don't like ass - 21/03/2016 19:38 - Ireland

Today, whilst messaging someone on whisper, I misspelt the town I live in. That wouldn't be a problem normally; but when its in the context "I'm a [town] guy" and you live in a town called Rush, it is. I texted someone that "I'm a Tush guy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 19:36 - United States

Today, I looked over at my boyfriend and caught him staring at my face and smiling. He hasn't done this since we first started dating and I thought it was sweet until he said "we need to get you to a dermatologist, your blackheads are getting crazy. Oh and you should wax your mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By rmonk - 21/03/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a piss at my friend's house and had the worst double stream of my life. One stream was going in the toilet and the other veered off to the side and onto the floor. I then had to spend 5 minutes shamefully wiping up my own urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By bowlingforSoup - 21/03/2016 19:15 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, the guy who I've been wanting to get more serious with has decided today after months of acting like a couple that he just wants to be friends. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 19:06 - United States

After spending a wonderful weekend with a guy I have been talking to and casually dating for over a year, I asked him how he felt about me and if we should be exclusive. He told me he doesn't believe in monogamy. There goes another year of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By InsipidPotatoes - 21/03/2016 18:55 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I was expecting my friends to be over soon, and I heard a knock on the door. I screamed "Allahuakbar" because my friends always say dumb shit like that. It wasn't them. It was a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ihatewinter - 21/03/2016 18:47 - United States - Dansville

Today, I went to the store I work at to shop, dressed in a skimpy halter top and shorts. A customer asked me where the salad dressing was. I explained I wasn't working and that I was there to shop. He called and complained to the manager that I wouldn't help him. I got yelled at by the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 18:36 - United States - Phoenix

I just found out my 31 year old co-worker who has serious boundary issues is in love with me... I'm seventeen and he's keeping track of when I turn 18 and "legal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By faebun - 21/03/2016 18:35 - United States - Garland

Today I was very excited to receive a response about an apartment in the city in relocating in. I showed it to my boyfriend, who revealed it was a scam after a quick Google search. That's the only response I've gotten and I'm supposed to move in two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By pussyallergy - 21/03/2016 18:35 - United States - Washington

Today, I had a heated moment with a girl and things started getting hot. As soon as I tried going down on I started sneezing suddenly and it couldn't stop for a while. The girl thinks I am allergic to vagina and now half my friends started jokes on me about that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Pete - 21/03/2016 18:31 - United States - Boston

Today, I was working from home and got a little horny so I browsed porn. After I finished jerking off I realized I accidentally Skyped my manager and she could see and hear me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By Cassiet1515 - 21/03/2016 18:30 - United States

Today, my mom finally told me the truth about ice cream trucks. She used to say that when the music would play, they were out of ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 122

By st3phani3b - 21/03/2016 18:28

Today, my 12 year old daughter kicked me in the back and told me to fuck off. I was just trying to get her to go to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 3

By mrsmetalhead - 21/03/2016 18:24 - United States - Stockton

Saturday I got my very first apartment with my boyfriend, I was super excited until I found out just hours before we got our keys that he had been cheating on me. Now I'm stuck there for the next year, because I'm not a lying piece of shit that doesn't keep my promises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By McHeartAttack - 21/03/2016 18:19 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was informed by my girlfriend that she had started her period. Me being an amazing yet slow boyfriend i thought it would be a good idea to try to comfort her. I offered her a sprite she said thank you, took the can and chucked it down the hallway almost hitting my principle FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 18:14 - United States - Hampton

Today, I was sitting in class and the guy behind me was eating. His friend told him a joke and he sprayed me with little bits of half chewed food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By ithurts - 21/03/2016 18:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, the lock to my commerce wouldn't open all of a sudden. As I was stuck waiting for the locksmith, sitting under the rain, a little girl ran up to me, angry because my shop was not open, and kicked me in the nuts. Her parents thought it was deserved. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 17:47 - United States - Beulah

Today I found out that my sister doesn't know the difference between a rocket and an airplane. She's 21 years old. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 21/03/2016 17:47 - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why everyone thinks I'm gay. He responded with "Wait, you're not? Holy shit!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By EBA2013 - 21/03/2016 17:30 - United States

Today, I finally decided to get a gym membership. While I was leaving, I tripped and fell down the stairs. I broke my leg. I have to pay for the membership for the next year due to a contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By Wraith09 - 21/03/2016 17:24 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, after months of collection calls, I finally received a delinquent payment from a customer. All in $1 & $2 coins, neatly taped to sheets of paper, spelling out the words "Fuck You Asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my tween daughter found an exciting new book series to replace her two-year obsession with Harry Potter. Hello, Team Jacob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 749

You deserved it 556

Today, I got locked inside my office again by my co-workers because they had forgotten I was still around when they left. This happens 1 or 2 times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 091

You deserved it 4 437

Today, I'm once again stuck on the side of the road. I was borrowing my housemate's old car and it broke down. This comes only days after my own broke down (and will take 3 weeks to repair). None of this is helping my sudden temper and mood swings that have come as a side-effect of discontinuing my anti-depressants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 164

Today, I woke up late and grabbed what I thought was a granola bar on my way out. It wasn’t until I was halfway through eating it that I realized it was a dog treat. I had the godawful taste in my mouth all throughout the day, despite several cans of Pepsi and Mountain Dew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 524

Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 594

You deserved it 5 669

Today, I've always struggled with communication and such with my family, so I was difficult to take care of, yet I always held myself together, did my chores, and took care of myself. Sometimes I even helped them out, but now they’re kicking me out of the house, and I have nowhere to go, and I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 147