Nearly FML

By Nooker - 07/04/2016 13:54 - Israel

Today, I got so used to reading on my e-reader that, while reading the newspaper, I tried to highlight a word with my finger to see its definition. FML

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vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 12:57 - Australia - Lutwyche

Today, the lovely young gentleman sitting behind me on the bus, decided that the best place to dispose of his chewing gum was in my hair. Pixie cut here I come! FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By hater of life - 07/04/2016 12:52 - United States - Arvada

Today, I went to this huge concert with my band group. Later my teacher told me to get rid of my wheel chair so we don't get points off. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By darren - 07/04/2016 12:48 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my son asked me if I wouldn't mind dying soon, because when his friend from school lost his dad his mum bought him an Xbox one and a bunch of games so he would stop crying. Apparently my son really wants an Xbox, more than he wants me to stay alive. FML

agreeclassic 4

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By doemetoch - 07/04/2016 12:46 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I had to accompany my boyfriend to the ER for a sex-related injury. The ER of the hospital I work at. FML

agreeclassic 4

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By PackardBell - 07/04/2016 12:45 - United States

Today, I woke up from my nap during class. Except it was Saturday, nobody was in the building, and the security system was armed. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By whaaaST - 07/04/2016 12:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was my first time going to a strip club with my friends. And there was this really loud woman at the corner. It was my mom. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By anonymous - 07/04/2016 12:36 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I was in my room masturbating with my earphones in. My mum who I did not know was home suddenly came in with the vacuum cleaner. I had no idea she liked to clean the house naked. And yes she came in just as I was cumming and we both saw EVERYTHING there was to see. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 11:56 - United Kingdom - High Wycombe

Today, I woke up to another of my many episodes of sleep paralysis. As I was hallucinating I saw and felt my cat throwing up on my neck. When I could move again I realised I was not hallucinating and my cat had just thrown up on my neck. FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 11:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I am at work less than 36 hours after having surgery. Apparently, a miscarriage and the resulting ailments don't warrant more than one day off. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By Gary - 07/04/2016 11:41 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, ever since my girlfriend dyed her hair pink and styled it into spikes she looks so much like Natsu from Fairy Tail that I can't maintain a boner during sex cause it's so surreal I feel like I'm trying to fuck a (male) anime character. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By Will Smith - 07/04/2016 11:37 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I stepped on a LEGO and accidentally kicked my baby cousin in the teeth from the shock. I'm currently awaiting trial, because my aunt is pissed. Thanks, fucking LEGO. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By "He's just a friend" - 07/04/2016 11:31 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I pulled over a nice, red Eclipse. The driver was a slender man in his mid thirties with dark hair and a nice jaw. The passenger was my drunk, flushed-faced now soon-to-be ex wife

agreeclassic 4

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By Ankitasame - 07/04/2016 11:09 - Bangladesh - Dhaka

Today, when I went to submit my leave application to my boss, I learnt that he's already gone on leave for the next fortnight. FML.

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By RealProblems - 07/04/2016 11:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to calm down a girl who was having an actual panic attack about using a public toilet. Meanwhile, I'm here in constant distress about failing my thesis, getting thrown out by my folks, and having to pay for everything by myself with no job. Also, not on the floor in fetal position. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By oh no. - 07/04/2016 10:48 - United Kingdom - Lancaster

Today, I finally slept with the girl I've been crazy about for ages. We were both really drunk. When we woke up in the morning she starts asking me advice about this guy she's really into, then doesn't seem to want to let me leave... FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 10:26 - United States - New York

Today my unrmployrd boyfriend woke me up at 4am by shining his iPhone flashlight in my eyes to see if I was up. Then he decided that since I was "already awake we should have sex" and pestered me for two hours. I have a 13 hour workday starting at 7am. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 0

By p4nd4p13 - 07/04/2016 10:23 - United Kingdom - Oldham

Today, I found my laptop had died after falling asleep leaving it on last night. I put it on charge on the train and turned it on to get some work done, and the porn resumed... FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 1

By Idiot - 07/04/2016 10:06 - United Kingdom - Sunderland

Today is my birthday, I've just been dumped by my girlfriend and my friends have decided to have a birthday party for me but haven't actually invited me.... FML

agreeclassic 3

vote type 1 0

By Miss_Chevious - 07/04/2016 09:54 - Pakistan

Today, like most other days, I woke to the words "Why don't you just die already?" from my aggressive mother. Good morning to you too. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By theonethatgotaway - 07/04/2016 08:47

Today, the girl I've had a crush on since I was 12 told me that she has always felt the same. My wedding day is tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By spearcom - 07/04/2016 08:36 - United States - South Lake Tahoe

Today, I learned that the girl I've been dating for a while now has a twin brother. And tonight while getting intimate, I failed at getting it up because I can't stop seeing his face on hers. This is gonna be hard to get thru. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By anonymous - 07/04/2016 08:14 - United States - Castaic

Today, my mom took my car, but I left my weed in there and she doesn't know I smoke when she came back I checked my car to see if it was still there. It wasn't and when I went inside I found my mom with bloodshot eyes and she said "I smoked all your weed" while eating a bag of chips. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 2

By Anonymous - 07/04/2016 08:02 - United States - Maspeth

Today, I learned that everyone knew about my secret girlfriend. Except for me. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By lampostWarlord - 07/04/2016 07:38 - United States - Lincoln

Today, I can't look at my fiancé while we're getting really hot and heavy because of the face he makes. It's the same face he makes when he has to take a dump. FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Threaty - 07/04/2016 07:34 - Australia - Bracken Ridge

Today, I was cleaning tables in our closed-off dining area where I work.. couldn't help but notice the used condom stuck underneath one of the tables I'm supposed to "clean"... FML.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By aplashlove - 07/04/2016 07:14 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, during sex, my boyfriend asked me to talk about how long, and thick........his eyelashes were in order to climax. FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By Jesstanothergurl - 07/04/2016 07:01 - Canada - Kingston

Today, my housemate lit our kitchen floor on fire. Apparently, if you leave a pot heating up on the stove without any liquid in it, and then leave it unattended for an hour, it might heat up to a point where it liquifies, drips on to the floor, and completely destroys the hardwood... FML

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

By finalyearstudentmeetsfresher - 07/04/2016 06:59 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, after I shut down a party of my flatmate at 6 am by calling residence security, I talked to my flatmate in the afternoon about the party- and stealing/ looking into other people's stuff-issue. While I was talking, he started singing the song he was listening to on the phone. FML

agreeclassic 5

vote type 1 1

By SpyroMello - 07/04/2016 06:51 - United States - Seattle

Today, I drove my mom to the mall. When we got home I realized I no longer had my permit in my pocket. My parents reaction? "This is why girls use purses." Apparently pockets aren't meant for girls to hold things in.

agreeclassic 4

vote type 1 1

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Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

agreeclassic 23 608

vote type 1 6 931

Today, I had a chat with a one-night stand and she's decided to keep the child. My life is basically over. FML

agreeclassic 496

vote type 1 2 735

Today, after a snowstorm, I went to start my car early in the morning for work. The door was frozen solid, so I had to jimmy it open with a screwdriver. Then, as I started to drive off, my foot slipped off the clutch and the car stalled out. The battery was too weak to start it again. FML

agreeclassic 320

vote type 1 78

Today, I was at my friend's house and accidentally blew out a candle that was supposed to be lit for seven days straight. It was in honor of her grandmother who had recently died. FML

agreeclassic 30 775

vote type 1 14 793

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and refused to give me back the condoms I'd just bought. Why? Because she wants to use them with the guys she's been cheating on me with. FML

agreeclassic 55 429

vote type 1 4 293

Today, my husband told me he'd changed his mind and no longer wants children. We already have two kids. FML

agreeclassic 892

vote type 1 144