Nearly FMLs

By MamaMilk - 06/04/2016 23:42 - United States - Flint

Today, I was breastfeeding my 4 month old son while waiting for the bus at the bus stop. A man jogged by and stopped to explain that he was on a new 'organic health diet' and asked for some milk. When I declined, he stormed away and had cops come over to me, telling me off for 'Public nudity.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By icrei - 06/04/2016 23:18 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, I went on a date hoping to get laid, we went back to his place, all he wanted to do was play pokemon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By deathstep - 06/04/2016 23:08 - United States - Marion

Today, I found out how perfect the acoustics are in the bathroom at school. I could hear someone with explosive diarrhea during math class. During a quiz. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By bigmusclebro - 06/04/2016 22:55 - United States - Portland

Today, I checked the spam folder of my email account and noticed a rather official looking email. It turned out that, three weeks ago, I was next one in the wait list eligible to take that class. I needed it to graduate this year and am now forced to go another term. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By momlife0109 - 06/04/2016 22:35 - United States - Miami

Today, I got the frozen soundtrack because my daughter loves frozen, now its the ONLY thing we can listen to in the car without her screaming bloody murder, here goes let if go for the 60th time ... we still have 2 more hours in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Adultingishard - 06/04/2016 22:28 - United States - Madison

Today, I went to my future place of work for negotiations and to sign my working contract. We were chatting when I suddenly realized I REALLY had to pee. I dashed away, but it was too late: I urinated all over myself and on the bathroom floor. I had to buy sweatpants at Kmart for the drive home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By feelsbadman - 06/04/2016 22:24 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, I found out I'm going to be a father. Too bad I can't tell my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 5

By winecrab - 06/04/2016 22:21 - United States - Miami

Today, I went to Walgreens to buy a pack of cigarettes. The cute girl working there asked me if I'd like to donate a dollar to a charity for children. I said "sorry, I only have $5". The total was $5.06 so I reached into my pocket to get some coins and a bunch of singles fell on the counter. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 3

By SKYstlimit - 06/04/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my dog chewing on my dildo infront of my mother.... FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By theviciouscyclecontinues - 06/04/2016 21:43 - United States - Pella

Today, I got a job and was accepted into college. This would be great, except my "non-negotiable" work shifts and required classes are now scheduled at the same time. I can't pay for school without the job, but I only got the job because my program acceptance impressed them. Neither will budge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 21:41 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, at school, I was chatting to my friends when I felt something sharp jab in to my back. I turned around to see a wooden stake on the ground. A teacher threw a wooden stake at me because he "didn't want the school to be infested with vampires," FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By sexualising - 06/04/2016 21:31 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me so he could win a bet, made three months ago, to take my virginity. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By jesusofsuburbiax - 06/04/2016 21:24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

Today, I am looking after my boyfriends snake while he and his family are in Holland. I didn't realise that he uses an automatic heat bulb that turns on and off quite often. I can't sleep with lights on and the tank is in my bedroom. Only ten more sleepless nights left. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Jpres1 - 06/04/2016 21:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I finally tried out for basketball. The volunteer coach told me I was the worst player he had seen, even though I made more points than anyone else. Later people told me he's known to be racist, I'm black. I no longer have any chance until he leaves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 21:11 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I messaged my crush on Facebook to ask if he was alright, because he got hurt at school. After a 5 minute conversation he says "not to be rude, but do I know you?" I've sat next to him in class for 3 months. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By oops - 06/04/2016 20:57 - Anonymous Proxy

Today, my cock ring came loose while I was balls deep in my wife. It's 2 been hours and it's still in there. We've used fingers and tweezers and stuff to try and get it out. My wife says if we end up in the ER she's gonna kill me, in an interesting fashion, over an entire weekend FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 3

By toilet water - 06/04/2016 20:53 - United States

Today, my toilet clogged, spilling water all over my bathroom floor. My husband then decided to start plunging, spilling more water on the floor. In an attempt to clean it up, he snapped the head off the mop. Now I have to get down and dirty with a little kitchen sponge to clean it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 20:37 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I found out that I'm never getting laid. Ever. My girlfriend, who I'm too in love with and have been in love with for too long to break up with over something like this, admitted to me that she's asexual. Even masturbating has now lost its appeal because that's all I'm ever going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Probably dead by the time you read this - 06/04/2016 20:28 - Mexico - Monterrey

Today, I woke up to 18 missed calls and 23 audio messages from my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Wraith09 - 06/04/2016 19:55 - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, I was switching up my screensaver picture at work, to keep it interesting. Usually I have cars or nature pics. Today I loaded up a Ring Wraith picture from Lord of the Rings. The office princess reported me for "displaying an offensive picture". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 19:46 - United States - Livonia

Today, I found a long pubic hair loged in between my patient's teeth while I was cleaning them. Bulb and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By AwkwardSarcasm - 06/04/2016 19:45 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the most amazing thing I've done all week is bake a cake. Which isn't bad, except I spent all last week bragging about how amazing my Spring Break would be, and how I would send pictures. Well, my plans got canceled leaving me with nothing interesting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 2

By meansister - 06/04/2016 19:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I found out that one of my closest guy friend was a creep. How? I found hundreds of pictures of me and my friends on his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Mad_Maxx - 06/04/2016 19:32 - United States - Hammond

Today, just as I started to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time in months, my leg cramped up. We couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By laneycat - 06/04/2016 19:27 - United States

Today, I went to the girl's bathroom. Long story short, it ended with me trying to explain how to unclog an overflowing toilet to a seventh grader, while another girl clogged the stall I was waiting for. Our bathroom only has two stalls. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By LostGirl9456 - 06/04/2016 19:05 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I fell asleep in the middle of masturbating. I woke up with my toy still inside me, my vibrator in my hand and my pants around my ankles. It would have been pretty funny, if it wasn't my mom who woke me up. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 3

By festibal - 06/04/2016 19:02 - United States

Today, I got carded which is normal but the cashier said take it as a compliment you look under 35. I'm 26 fml.

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By zaise_chsa - 06/04/2016 19:02 - United States - Los Altos

Today, I found out the new intern receptionist gets payed more than I do. I'm the head of my department. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 18:39 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my work crush is now dating another guy from the office. If that wasn't bad enough, the girl had politely declined me a few days ago saying that she doesn't date co-workers. I was only finally just allowing myself to move past it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

By Kotlopou - 06/04/2016 18:37 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, my memory issues worsened even more. I tried to keep a diary with important homework etc; but I cannot remember to open the diary regularly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend turned down my marriage proposal because the ring I gave her was bigger than the one her sister got at her proposal. Apparently she wouldn't be able to brag to her sister without "looking like a bitch for having a bigger ring". FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 277

You deserved it 287

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to be in the room whilst I gave birth. He offered to wait in the waiting room, but only if I gave birth on a weekend, and if it was a weekday he’d be too busy at work. I reproduced with this guy, and this isn’t the meanest thing he’s ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 615

You deserved it 1 295

Today, my family and I are spending the weekend with my in-laws, and their disrespectful, disobedient asshole of a dog. He does whatever he wants, and if I scold him, my mother-in-law in turn scolds me, then tells me how something one of us did is to blame for the dog's behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 304

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 102

You deserved it 148

Today, I got a letter from a hostel I stayed at saying they were going to sue me for leaving them a negative Google review. I was the victim of a $7000 theft crime there. They refused to call the police and ambulance when it happened, and they didn’t even give me my money I paid to stay there back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 445

You deserved it 130

Today, after finishing an essay at the library, I fell asleep and had a dream about the essay crawling out through my laptop screen and trying to kill me. I woke by the librarian shaking me and telling me to stop screaming. I was mortified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 037

You deserved it 4 842