Nearly FMLs

By Anonymous - 08/08/2017 07:04

Today, I'd just eaten a salad at work when it felt like I had something caught in the pipe between my nose and throat. After trying to swallow it and failing, I decided to just blow my nose instead. Huge chunks of cheese and carrots rocketed from my nose destroying the tissue and coating me. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 10

By priceycommute - 08/08/2017 06:33

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second; I realized that I didn't pay fare with a single, but a twenty. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 12

By "camster94" - 08/08/2017 01:52

Today the man I'm having a child with in 3 months told me the only reason he started talking to me was because my mother payed him to do so. We were together for 14 months and I'm pregnant with his kid. FML!!!

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 12

By "Dreamer5393" - 07/08/2017 22:54

Today, I went to a fair and got to walk around only for a little bit before it downpoured. I waited an hour before leaving only to have it let up a few mins after I had gotten home. When I went back it was so packed it took hours to get on one ride and one had been closed because of an injury. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 19

By MollyTheCat - 07/08/2017 04:45

Today I learned that my mother keeps so much junk in her shower that she can't use it. Instead she uses a combo of what she calls a "bird bath," and Summer's Eve spray. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 8

By ungrateful? - 06/08/2017 18:20

Today, my mom gave me yet another epic scolding for being ungrateful and mean to my sister. She brought home brownies and subtly hinted that one of them has a "special surprise". My job mandates weekly drug tests and I will get fired on the spot if I hit bingo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 10

By itchynipples - 06/08/2017 18:00

Today, I developed dermatitis on my nipple. To stop it being touched by clothing and irritated, I put bandaids over it. Turns out, I'm sensitive to the adhesive. Now I have an itchy and painful nipple with an itchy allergic reaction on my areola and chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 5

By "what_the_fu-" - 06/08/2017 02:33

Today, one of my chickens tried to jump over the fence of the coop and ended up snapping her neck killing her. I went to my dad's for dinner and guess what was the main course? Chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 11

By Anonymous - 05/08/2017 22:30

Today, I realized my boyfriend has more pictures of naked girls on his phone than he does of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 17

By "HappyItalian" - 05/08/2017 20:27

Today, we got hit with a massive rush at the restaurant I work at while understaffed. As I was trying to handle close to 30 tables, a diner got mad that I wasn't devoting most of my attention to him. He yelled at my manager about how "incompetent" I am and put on a show about leaving me no tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 5

By myudonwasgoodthough - 05/08/2017 12:29 - United States - Lynbrook

Today, my girlfriend and I were relaxing while her parents went to go get take-out. When they returned, her mother came up to me and told me that she had backed into my car. They said they would pay for it. The repairs will cost more than an engagement ring. So much for trying to impress them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 9

By Mathias1188 - 05/08/2017 14:43

Today, I finally asked my girlfriend what I could do to make her cum faster, because it always takes a long time and my tongue gets tired. For 4 months I have been insecure because of this. She admitted that she stops herself from cumming so she can enjoy me eating her longer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 22

By Mikey - 03/08/2017 23:25

Today, I finally bought a new car after my old one broke down. I was driving it home for the first time when a piece of gravel hit the very center of the windshield and made a crack three inches in diameter. Five minutes in, and I already need to replace the windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83

You deserved it 7

By cloroxbleach - 02/08/2017 18:08 - United States - Medford

Today, I went canoeing with my mom and her boyfriend. I thought it would be a nice, relaxing experience except my mom and her boyfriend argued half the time. Not only that, but on the way back there was a thunderstorm and it was pouring. We had to canoe in the pouring rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 10

By Pooper - 02/08/2017 22:03

Today, I got diarrhea at my work which only has 1-ply toilet paper. And then got yelled by my boss for taking such a long break. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 7

By "David Rayden Barquist" - 02/08/2017 19:10

I woke up with one of the worst rashes on my face I have ever had (coming from a guy who somehow got poison ivy on his face and in his mouth) turns out Mango skins have a chemical in them that is also found in poison ivy & poison oak. its literally EVERYWHERE on my face. Don't touch Mango skins.

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 7

By "Bored.Unicorn" - 02/08/2017 17:58

while walking my dog, a little girl and her mom walked by. The little girl stopped to pet my dog and she then asked,"Are you a boy or a girl?" I thought she meant my dog, but she was talking to me. I'm a guy. When they were walking away I heard the girl tell her mom, "But he has boobs like a girl".

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 10

By Cookie - 02/08/2017 17:15

Today, I have student orientation, so I figured since I'm high school, I could wear something casual. I wore a thin pullover with designs on it that covers half of my butt with jeans. Still got dress coded. By my mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 24

By Anon - 02/08/2017 14:19

Today, I spent two hours trying to get my 2.5yo to sleep. Afterwards I laid next to him reading FML stories and didnt notice him slowly sliding off the bed. I then spent the next two hours settling him and getting him back to sleep....FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 38

By Dusty LaBouche - 02/08/2017 17:50 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today I am close to giving up searching for (underpaid) work. Graduated after studying abroad, returned home couple of weeks ago to find parents separated, friends have forgotten me, and home country is poor. Need money for rent, parents etc but no one will hire me. Useless law degree. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 10

By AbitLonely - 02/08/2017 10:47 - United Kingdom - Croydon

Today, the man I've been falling for for two years moved away indefinitely. I didn't have the courage to say anything apart from "Goodbye". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 26

By "alleykitten" - 02/08/2017 17:38 - Australia - Northgate

Today I bleached my roots and washed out blue hair in preparation for re-dying. The roots went blonde like normal... somehow the blue parts ended up pink! FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 18

By MielieMan - 02/08/2017 09:31 - South Africa

Today I listened to a telemarketer speak about a product that I wasn't at all interested in because I have no friends and at least someone was willing to have a conversation with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 12

By Anonymous - 01/08/2017 23:34 - United States - Colton

as i was waiting for the elevator to go up to my car, with my arms completely full, i sneezed and peed myself, leaving a puddle, filling my shoes and leaving a trail from the elevator halfway to my car

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 14

By kinkycamgirl - 02/08/2017 07:21

Today I posted an ad for my webcam my kinky webcam show and asked all of those wanting to join to please email me so I can send them the link. The ad included my age, height, and weight plus the various naughty things I do. I received an email from biological father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61

You deserved it 43

By "R4sm00s3" - 01/08/2017 23:55

I went on a date with someone who is vegiterian, because I haven't been on dates so often I got nervous. So right as we had ordered our food I tried to be funny and said "I am so hungry I could eat a horse" the rest of the date was really akward.

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 18

By my nickname - 01/08/2017 23:00

Today I went on a date with a girl and when we wanted to go for a walk in the park her best friend showed up. She then went with us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 9

By Ziti - 01/08/2017 05:19

Today, marks exactly 2 years and 6 months since I have been kissed, had sex, or have had any kind of emotional or physical intimacy with a man. FML.7

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 10

By IDidNOTNeedToKnowThat - 01/08/2017 12:22 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out that while my husband is circumsized, his brother is not. How did I find out? I'm pregnant, and my mother-in-law decided I needed this vital information in case I have a boy. I can't look my brother-in-law in the eye now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 11

By Kylasue - 01/08/2017 02:32

Today I had lunch with a friend, I have a huge crush on. I spilled my food down my shirt. Walking to our cars, I tripped over nothing. Then, later, I realized I had spinach in my teeth. Is there an award for most awkward human? FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 13

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The Top

Today, my family and I were going to start moving into our old house, and the large two hundred year old tree decided to move in too... through the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 575

You deserved it 210

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 753

You deserved it 363

Today, my neighbour's kitten got run over, so I bought her chocolate as comfort food. When I gave it to her she joked, "Now I'm going to get fat." It was at that moment that my brain stepped out and my mouth took over and I heard myself say, "You deserve it!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 433

You deserved it 880

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 308

You deserved it 10 505

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 602

You deserved it 80 165

Today, I received a grade of 0 for a paper I worked really hard on. When I emailed my professor for feedback, she told me she gave me a 0 because I misspelled Colombia as "Columbia" and that she's not responsible for my low IQ. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 991

You deserved it 662