Nearly FMLs

By Raus - 08/07/2017 14:44

Today, I rubbed one out, got a phone call 10 minutes later by my landlord (huge house, renting the 1st floor) who's mowing the lawn, to close the blinds next time.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 57

By "aNasona" - 08/07/2017 12:53

after being gone for almost 12 hours due to court in another state I come home to find little black paw prints all over the house....yep my cats knocked over a gallon of black paint

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 16

By Anonymous - 08/07/2017 12:51

Today, as my dad was loaded into an ambulance with bad chest pains he said to me. In case I die, check I deleted my browsing history in case your mother sees it. Those could have been his last words to me. Turns out he just had trapped wind, the perverted old geezer FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 5

By Anonymous - 08/07/2017 10:50

Today, for the first time in months, my family went on a trip, so I had the chance to invite my girlfriend over. As we were making out I suddenly felt something wet and cold down my ass.I turned around just to find my 50kg dog trying to figure out what were we doing by deeply sniffing my anus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 18

By Anonymous - 08/07/2017 10:25

Today I had to take a huge exam at my college at 4PM so I didn't set any allarm in order to have a good rest. I woke up at 10AM to find out I accidentally skipped, among the dozens of useless mail my college has been sending me lately, the one telling the exam had been moved at 8AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 42

By Birthdayblues - 08/07/2017 09:11

Today i have 30 plus people coming to my place for my birthday party. Today is also the day I woke up with food poisoning fml

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 5

By my life as a wife - 08/07/2017 07:40

Today my mother-in-law told me that after my husband graduates from officer training, he would come home to sweep me off my feet. I told her that my feet are just fine, but the floors need some attention. She did not find that as funny as I did. I shouldn't wonder why she doesn't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 22

By Anonymous - 08/07/2017 07:39

Today my mom told me she was going to pick my college, major, and minor for me because she "is the one paying for it" although I could get a full ride to an in-state school. Oh, and she didn't allow my older sister to have any opinion on where she wanted to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 11

By JaneSimple - 08/07/2017 07:38

Today, my boyfriend, who is 33 years old, actually rolled on the floor during a temper tantrum because I forgot something he asked me to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 12

By GOAT - 07/07/2017 22:18 - United States - Chandler

Today I had an interview. I thought I had it in the bag, with 10 years of specialized experience in the field, and being very talented at what I do. Well, nerves kicked in, and I ended up brain farting my way through the process. They even asked me what I did to prepare for this interview. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 7

By Anonymous - 08/07/2017 06:47

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to my place since my parents were out of state. We had some "fun" and before we knew it we fell asleep, naked. Little did I know that my parents were coming home early to surprise me but instead they were the ones who definitely got a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 51

By It's not what it looks like - 08/07/2017 06:41

Today, my dad found my porn folder on my laptop. This is awkward in and of itself, but what makes it terrible is the gratuitous amounts of incest and hentai gangbang porn I had saved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 67

By "ILoveR5ForLife" - 08/07/2017 04:24

Today, my ex boyfriend outed me to my mom. Guess he's still salty about me breaking up with him because I realized I'm into girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 12

By "needagoodlaugh" - 08/07/2017 03:41

Today I checked my bank account to make sure my paycheck had been deposited with no problems like I do every payday. This time however it was about $300 short. My supervisor entered two of my days off as without pay instead of as PTO. I now have to wait two weeks to get it corrected. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 56

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 07/07/2017 12:23 - United States - Cranberry Twp

Today, my girlfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. I'm 6'8" and she's barely 5'. My penis is literally to big for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 13

By DiamanGem - 07/07/2017 17:31

today a man was staring at me. I licked my lips and then he looked at me funny. then he pointed to my crotch. I look down, and realize there is a cherry juice spill from earlier that I hadn't noticed. "you on your period?" he asked and walked away.FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 12

By Lasagna lady - 07/07/2017 11:29 - United States - Wilmington

Today I spent several hours preparing my boyfriend an anniversary dinner at my parents house, where I live. I decorated the patio with lights, put floating candles in the pool. As soon as we sat down to eat, my entire family came outside and filled their plates with our food! So much for privacy.fml

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 14

By Adtrx3 - 07/07/2017 14:17

Today, my nerves are shot. At work we've fired our intern twice already, and she keeps coming back. Last week she decided to spin in the spinny chair with her legs wide open wearing a dress and flashing half the office. She still shows up and gets paid too. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 10

By Angus - 07/07/2017 13:11

Today my female coworker had a meeting with a client. I wanted to check in if they need any be beverages and found her half naked on the table while the customer licked her out. They noticed me and he invited me to join. Im 22 and have a steady realtionship FML

I agree, your life sucks 58

You deserved it 4

By Matchis - 07/07/2017 02:45 - United States - Auburn

Today... my wife told me how she gave a BJ to Redfoo from LMFAO a year before we met. She even has pics to prove it. Do you know how hard it is to listen to the radio without hearing "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle..."??? FML.

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 3

By ByeByeFriendship - 07/07/2017 19:05 - Australia - Sydney

Today my fifth friend out of seven announced her pregnancy. Everyone I know is married, engaged or starting a family. I'm 20 and still in a second year of my three year degree, five hundred kilometres away. My dreams of having fun, youthful adventures with my friends is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 4

By ForeverAlone - 07/07/2017 09:37

Today, my boss asked me to attend a meeting he couldn't make because of an appointment at the fertility clinic. My boss will literally my jacking off whilst I have to spend 12 hours on the road, trying to secure new business for the company. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 4

By Anonymous - 07/07/2017 06:46

Today i gave blood! They told me to take it easy for a while after. I then preceeded to do 12 hours of manual labor for work. It was a company held blood drive...FML

I agree, your life sucks 39

You deserved it 6

By Anonymous - 07/07/2017 06:13

Today, I got called out by a coworker for apparently not doing my job as a union rep in a meeting. I'm doing the best I can. This was not a position I signed up for, is unpaid and has been so stressful my hair is falling out. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 3

By Anonymous - 06/07/2017 19:41 - United States - Pomona

Today, I saw that my driveway had to be re-done. My family has a house in the USVI which is still under construction. The driveway was paved yesterday. The USVI has lots of stray cats, dogs, and wild chickens. All three find fresh cement fascinating. The worker keeping watch fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 3

By a_mmada - 06/07/2017 21:31 - United States - Brooklyn

Today... a huge brown water bug flew in the window of my car, and hit me in the face. That caused me to flinch, which accidentally swerved the car to the left... into a brand new Lexus SUV that was parked. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 10

By Monobro - 06/07/2017 20:05 - Canada

Today, I have two beauty spot on my dick and, while thing was getting hot with my wife, she stop and says:"Sorry, but... it looks like a Belsprout... It kinds of turn me off" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

By phalanges en fuego - 06/07/2017 22:37

Today, I'm taking my 44-year-old sister to a nice resort for her birthday. She's bringing her baby doll, which she insists on treating as if it's really her baby, along with its carriage, car seat, bottles, and diapers. Two. Whole. Days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 653

You deserved it 754

phalangesenfuego tells us more.

phalangesenfuego 11

Thursday 6 July 2017 17:52

OP here. First off, she's not mentally or emotionally disabled...well, maybe emotionally disturbed, but not disabled. My sister and I are very different, and I try to maintain a relationship with her even though we don't have much in common besides our childhood. She started collecting dolls a few years ago, and it has grown to this. I never quite know what I'm going to walk into during our visits....at least it's not boring????

By spiderwebdesigner - 06/07/2017 20:59

Today, I finally got an email back about a web design position at an environmentally-based organization, which would be my dream job. Apparently, they're looking for a someone whose experiences are "better suited" for the position. If I were more qualified, I'd be a tree that knows web design. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50

You deserved it 5