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Today, my dog ate a whole case of my son's paintballs, because apparently they r made of a fish bi-product!! Not only does the whole house smell like fish, there r countless bright yellow dog turds all over the house and our yard!! FML
Today, my brother was arrested 4 starting a fistfight at a funeral . He didn't even know the deceased; he's just been crashing funerals recently, hoping to hook up with mourners . I'm sure who's more pathetic: him 4 doing such a thing, or me 4 bailing his fucking dumb arse out of jail . FML
Today, the guy I lyk an his friend cummed home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door an my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments 4 her to realise we were there. FML
Today, A Girl Cummed Up To Me On The Street And Said, "You Have Like No Swag, Bro." Feeling Clever, I Said, "At Least I Have A High School Education." She Then Took Out Her Work ID, Showing Me That She Was A Surgeon, Flipped Me Off, Then Walked Away Saying, "This Is Totally Going On Facebook." FML
Today, I spoke to my looool crush for the frst time, and after ahile he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the frst piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, ( You might need this. ) It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML
Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother looool took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave."
looool Today, I unknowingly bougt a ouse next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in te paper were residents are claiming tat tey are experiencing cancer and brt defects. FML
Friday 27 March 2015