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Friday 1 February 2013

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Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

by I'maboutobarf / 01/31/2013 at 5:28am / Australia / Health

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

by katelynm / 02/08/2013 at 1:24am / United States / Love

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

by MyLife / 02/06/2013 at 3:04am / Love

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

by missedout / 02/05/2013 at 5:48pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I was trying to sleep away a fever, when my grandma woke me up. She was sitting next to me, shoving gummy bears into my mouth until I started choking. She laughed, ran away, and denied everything. FML

by cay / 01/30/2013 at 2:59pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I actually considered my boyfriend romantic and deserving of an award when he didn't fart after sex. FML

by Anonymous / 02/01/2013 at 2:01am / United States / Intimacy

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

by guessnot / 02/03/2013 at 9:16pm / Canada (Ontario) / Geek

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

by forever1990 / 01/28/2013 at 6:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2013 at 12:15am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

by thegirlofthedad / 01/29/2013 at 4:48am / India (Maharashtra) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my parents that what I'd really like for my 21st birthday is the 1865 edition of the Memoirs of Saint-Simon in 22 volumes that I found online for $200, and have been wanting for months. They laughed and said, "Yeah, right. We'll get you an iPhone and perhaps you'll become normal." FML

by HistoryFreak / 02/01/2013 at 4:19am / France / Geek

Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that my wife has been searching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML

by papersofdivorce / 01/31/2013 at 12:08pm / Peru (Lima) / Love

Today, I hurt my back while exercising. I can't bend over or lift my arms above my head without intense pain. My husband, however, finds my situation hilarious and has moved everything I use frequently to either the floor or high shelf. He giggles every time I try to retrieve anything. FML