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Wednesday 16 January 2013

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Today, I discovered that my downstairs neighbor is running a business out of her apartment. Or I should say, her pimp is. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2013 at 8:33pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, while living in Florida, I had a conversation with my mother explaining that it might be best for me to come back home. Her response, "Don't worry, they have plenty of homeless shelters down there if you need a place to stay." Thanks Mom. FML

by living_thedream / 01/14/2013 at 1:51am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2013 at 9:55pm / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, after battling for hours to get just a little sleep before my early morning work shift, I finally began drifting off. Then I got the worst attack of hiccups in my life. FML

by FMyThroat / 01/17/2013 at 7:39pm / Peru (Lima) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

by What? / 01/22/2013 at 2:00pm / Australia / Animals

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

by Anonymous / 01/18/2013 at 7:26pm / Iceland / Work

Today, management told me that I couldn't have a doorbell on my door. How did they get my attention to tell me this? By ringing my doorbell. FML

by pigtails / 01/16/2013 at 7:21am / United Kingdom (Norfolk) / Miscellaneous

Today, after recently breaking up with my boyfriend, I unknowingly washed my laundry using his washing tabs. My whole wardrobe now smells like my ex. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2013 at 11:50am / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Love

Today, I thought maybe I should go to my doctor because my hips crack every time I take a step. But she's also my recently ex-boyfriend's mom, so I have to choose between being in constant pain or having my doctor poke at my hips while asking me why I'm no longer dating her son. FML

by ouch / 01/21/2013 at 9:41pm / Canada (Prince Edward Island) / Health

Today, after an hour of crying over a guy I like, I put on some Adele and sang along. My mom quickly took notice and came to give me advice, which was to "get over it" because he doesn't want me, and that "masturbation beats relationships hands down." Gee, thanks mom. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2013 at 1:22pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Love

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2013 at 4:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, after a very heartfelt conversation with my mother, I promised her that I'd quit smoking. I walked in on her smoking my cigarettes an hour later. Her excuse was that she didn't want my money to have gone to waste. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2013 at 7:46pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

by I should have kept my mouth shut / 01/22/2013 at 8:35pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous