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Friday 21 December 2012

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Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML

by FuckMyEyes / 12/25/2012 at 8:49pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I brought my 6-year-old to the mall to sit on Santa's lap. She told him what she wanted and smiled for the picture. When the lady told her that her turn was over, she began throwing a fit, pulling off Santa's beard in the process. This caused all the kids in line to begin sobbing. FML

by unknown / 12/17/2012 at 6:37am / Canada / Kids

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

by CambodianAsshole / 12/25/2012 at 1:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while doing our Christmas shopping, my sister showed me a product that she really hated. The same one I bought her for Christmas. FML

by bob / 12/17/2012 at 1:16pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Money

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

by say dump him and i'll kill you / 12/28/2012 at 7:50pm / United Kingdom (Wiltshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

by Mandy93 / 12/20/2012 at 8:57am / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

by ugh / 12/26/2012 at 9:05am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

by Johnny / 12/19/2012 at 6:33pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

by idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch / 12/18/2012 at 4:44pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

by everore / 12/25/2012 at 1:12pm / United States (Utah) / Kids

Today, I received from my husband for Christmas the body lotion that only he uses. And nothing else. FML

by marriedtoatool / 12/26/2012 at 1:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

by youfuckingdumbassmum / 12/27/2012 at 6:20pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2012 at 12:15am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous