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Today, I got a text message from my boss that read, "You've been very bad. Severe punishment is in order." I'm not sure whether I should be turned on or terrified. FML

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

by valarmorgoolies / 02/06/2015 at 1:51pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

by noname / 12/13/2008 at 12:48am / Love

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

by quietsleeper / 10/13/2009 at 7:07am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I found out that when my girlfriend said she gave up sex for lent, it was just with me and not my brother. FML

by ohno / 03/25/2012 at 9:11am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2013 at 7:00am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML

by Why's it so cold in here? / 02/01/2015 at 1:13pm / United States / Health

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

by Anonymous / 03/17/2015 at 10:54am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, I got a phone call to say my workplace was closed due to extreme weather conditions. Looking forward to my day off, I then realised the boiler was broken and my house has no heating despite there being a foot of snow outside. I'm spending the day in bed, wearing all my clothes. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2010 at 3:11am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2012 at 2:47pm / United Kingdom (Vale of Glamorgan, The) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to give my boyfriend an enema. FML

by coop7291 / 08/24/2012 at 1:21am / United States / Health

Today, my boss told me to fire the unstable, former military, gun nut employee. He's been making death threats to his supervisors. FML

by HelpMe1 / 11/06/2014 at 1:53am / Indonesia (Jakarta Raya) / Work

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

by Anonymous / 01/24/2015 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Love