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Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

by you'vegotmail(not) / 04/18/2014 at 7:59pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

by anon / 04/13/2015 at 8:51pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I went to babysit. I was told the parents would be gone when I arrived. I went and started playing with the kids. All of a sudden I heard a scream. I opened the parents' door with a knife in hand to find them having sex. I got paid so adults could get laid. While I was there. 6 ft. away. FML

by babysitter / 04/17/2009 at 12:14am / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was visited by Child Protective Services. Seems someone on my street reported me for neglect because I cloth diaper my children. I moved in less than 6 months ago, so I guess this is how they say, "welcome to the neighborhood" about these parts. FML

by ClothMom / 12/08/2009 at 2:02am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, at work, two teenage girls caused a huge scene and told me to get lost, after I asked if they needed any help. Their reasoning: they didn't want to be helped by "someone who doesn't have a thigh gap." FML

Today, I found out I do not have a fast metabolism, I've actually had a tape worm living inside me for 3 years. FML

by Iskylite / 09/10/2013 at 5:41pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, during a moment of silence in front of the entire high school during my band concert, I managed to hit the stand with my flute, and loudly scrambled to catch it before it fell over. I've never had so many people look at me. FML

by Silverfeathery / 12/01/2014 at 9:06pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

by anon / 07/17/2015 at 3:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Love

Today, my parents installed spyware on my computer after reading an article about teens ordering drugs from the deep web. Now I'm too afraid to watch porn because I don't want my parents to know when I'm jacking off. FML

Today, I learnt that the girl with who I've being going out for 6 months, has been sleeping with every guy around except one. Guess who? FML

by lectro / 11/24/2008 at 1:08am / Love

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

by Aaron / 05/14/2009 at 5:23pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2009 at 2:19am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend took me out to meet his friends. It was going really well until I left to use the bathroom and two of the girls with us came in and started talking about how creepy Matt's new girlfriend is and that they're happy he's going to dump her. My boyfriend is Matt. FML

by fuuuudge / 08/19/2009 at 1:55am / United States (Texas) / Love