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Today, my husband injured his back badly. He's taken three percocets, because according to him, he knows the dosage better than his doctor, and is demanding that I let him drive himself to work, with no pants on. FML

by jkim / 09/08/2014 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I changed my toothbrush because the bristles were wearing down. My brother later asked me why I changed his toothbrush. Apparently we've been sharing the same one for the past several weeks. FML

by gross / 05/02/2015 at 2:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

by panickygrl / 11/06/2011 at 12:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

by forgotten / 02/27/2013 at 7:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

by Anonymous / 04/29/2013 at 12:09pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

by new dog / 09/13/2014 at 11:38pm / United States (Maryland) / Animals

Today, I woke up from the most sensual dream I've had in months. Unfortunately, despite it being better than any action I've had in a long time, the dream was about me fucking a donut. FML

by Anonymous / 08/18/2015 at 9:26am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I promised my best friend I wouldn't let her hook up with any guys (she got an STD a few weeks ago). After we tossed a few back she led about 30 people in a chant of "cockblock" after I wouldnt let her go home with some random dude. FML

by cockblockingbitch / 01/25/2009 at 12:54am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

by insulted / 11/15/2011 at 12:48pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to convince my girlfriend that, no matter how much she makes herself burp, she won't lose any weight. She still doesn't understand why. FML

by Anonymous / 12/13/2011 at 3:26pm / United States / Love

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has lost interest in our relationship. She's found out she likes drinking. A lot. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 2:15am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

by fmylyfe / 11/09/2013 at 9:15am / United States (Minnesota) / Work

Today, my little brother put a battery to my tongue while I was sleeping with my mouth open. The shock found its way right to my metal filling. FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2014 at 7:36am / United States (Georgia) / Kids