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Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

by Mallory / 11/27/2011 at 6:53pm / United States / Love

Today, I got dragged along to a family dinner. Some idiot invited my douchebag vegan uncle, who spent half the night making condescending remarks and lecturing us on how disgusting it was to have steak on offer at the table. A fistfight eventually erupted, and the cops were called. FML

by Anonymous / 05/26/2013 at 12:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after getting stressed out by my parents having a serious fight for hours, I'm now listening to their make-up sex. FML

by housewiththinwalls / 10/10/2014 at 7:22pm / Sweden / Intimacy

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

by anonymous / 10/09/2014 at 6:09pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

by dBLIZZARD / 06/09/2015 at 2:39pm / United States / Animals

Today, my five year old daughter told me that while I'm at work, daddy has his wrestling buddy Melinda over. She also said that they wrestle on the bed so that they won't get hurt. FML

by abercrombieef / 08/27/2009 at 7:57pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I had a violent coughing fit while at the store, which caused a lady to think I was choking, grab me from behind and start doing the Heimlich maneuver incorrectly. She broke two of my ribs. FML

by Anonymous / 03/16/2011 at 8:53am / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/12/2013 at 12:17pm / United Kingdom (South Lanarkshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

by spasti-cunt / 05/17/2014 at 4:51pm / Ireland / Miscellaneous

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

by Donutsarelife / 11/19/2014 at 10:09am / United States / Geek

Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML

by anonymous / 12/24/2014 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I caught our 12-year-old son "experimenting" with a 5-foot tall stuffed Mickey Mouse. He even made sure to rip Mickey's pants off. FML

by bigmouthedmommy / 04/13/2015 at 1:35am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, it's been so long since I had sex that even in my sex dreams I'm watching porn alone. FML

by Anathema_360 / 05/30/2015 at 11:22am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.