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Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

by CreepyPaperDoll / 11/05/2009 at 1:36am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at work, my boss asked me to clean the bathroom. Someone pooped on the floor and I stepped in it, dropping my manager's keys into the toilet. I then had to clean up my shoe and the floor and put my hand in the toilet to get the keys. FML

by sucksssssss / 01/28/2010 at 3:12pm / Work

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

by Ugh-Lee / 09/30/2010 at 11:07am / United States / Love

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2010 at 5:26pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I walked 6 miles to see my girlfriend. After 5 and a half miles, she broke up with me because I never visit her. FML

by Anonymous / 02/22/2013 at 5:25am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I'm in Mexico and am supposed to be skydiving for my Christmas gift. Instead, I'm coming out of the hospital with x-rays, an ankle splint, and a $800 bill because I fell on the bottom step of a flight of stairs. FML

by Wally / 01/04/2010 at 12:52pm / Mexico / Holidays

Today, I was walking down the hallway when someone opened a door, smashing it into me. The bump makes it look like I have a third boob. FML

by Ouch / 03/17/2010 at 12:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, my mother-in-law confessed that for the longest time, she had fantasies about killing me for "ruining" her daughter's life, basically because I'm not wealthy enough for my mother-in-law's standards. She made sure to let me know the situation hasn't changed at all. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2014 at 10:34am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Love

Today, I found out that my contact name in my girlfriend's phone is "Dipshit McFucktard". FML

by Anonymous / 09/26/2015 at 8:08am / United States / Love

Today, I was asked to take care of my 3 year old little brother. After 15 minutes of him screaming and me trying to keep him entertained, he started throwing his toy cars at me. He hit me in the mouth, and I started to bleed. My parents yelled at me for "not controlling him." FML

by moneyman22 / 03/01/2010 at 2:09pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

by dmsmcd / 12/17/2010 at 4:48am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I got asked on a date. I was later told we had to cancel. Why? My ex is parked in front of his house and he is afraid to leave. FML

by nolove4me / 06/29/2011 at 4:41pm / United States (Alaska) / Love

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

by We raised that fool / 08/06/2014 at 9:21am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Kids