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Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

by progressiveboink / 05/11/2009 at 12:06am / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

by dumped / 03/10/2011 at 4:42pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, at the age of 16, I'm recovering from hip surgery. My friends took me out to the movies to cheer me up. They thought it would be hilarious to steal my crutches and leave me stranded and alone in the mall, multiple times. It wasn't. FML

by crutchy / 03/20/2011 at 11:03am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

by Mahomie123 / 04/16/2011 at 6:56pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by covering my car with post-it notes that read "it's you not me." FML

by rplovez / 09/05/2011 at 7:14pm / Canada / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend's dad said he'd given my boyfriend £100 to take me out for a meal last night and he hoped I'd enjoyed it. Last night my boyfriend and I went to Pizza Hut, shared a pizza and split the bill. Turns out my boyfriend had simply pocketed the money without telling anyone. FML

by hmmm / 10/01/2013 at 8:32am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Love

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/15/2013 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

by Australian Lifeguard / 10/21/2014 at 11:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, at work at a gas station kiosk, a man requested a carton of cigarettes. We keep our cigarettes on a high shelf. I'm short and very large chested so I have to jump in order to reach the carton. He said, "I only come here for the entertainment" and left without purchasing his cigarettes. FML

Today, a coworker filed a complaint against me, all because I ate a banana at lunch, which he claimed is "threateningly sexual", whatever the hell that means. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2014 at 5:31pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I once again had to tell one of my elderly patients not to grope me. He responded by throwing his bedpan at me. It was full. FML

by Anonymous / 05/04/2014 at 10:58pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

by Anonymous / 06/21/2009 at 4:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

by helpme / 01/15/2013 at 2:23am / United States (California) / Love