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Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2014 at 1:07am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a restaurant where the host is an attractive guy with only one arm. I was with my family, so I didn't want to be too obvious when checking him out. It seems like I was, though, because he came over and told me it was rude to stare at his arm. FML

by Anonymous / 07/03/2015 at 9:45pm / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I took my lunch break to buy my mom a pretty orchid. I took it to her apartment (to which I have a key), placed it on her coffee table with her card, and went back to work, pleased with my surprise. She called me later to ask why I got her a stick in a pot of dirt. Her cat ate the orchid. FML

by progressiveboink / 05/11/2009 at 12:06am / United States (Texas) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2012 at 9:42pm / United States / Work

Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML

by thoughtidseenitall / 02/01/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

by Wow. Really? / 04/29/2013 at 2:07pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, my parents took my iPad back to the store and exchanged it for two cheap knock off tablets. Reason being my little brother threatened to run away because I had one and he didn't. I bought the iPad on my own after graduation. They kept the difference in price. FML

by evilmuffinlord / 06/18/2013 at 2:34am / United States (Texas) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at work, I was taking a woman's measurements while she held her screaming baby. To silence the infant, she whipped out her breast right there and started feeding him. Moments later, he puked breast milk all over my desk. FML

by blargh / 10/03/2013 at 1:39pm / Russian Federation (Moscow City) / Work

Today, I went on a blind date that my friends set up. Not only did my date visibly recoil at the sight of me, she ended up trying to convince me that we're actually cousins. When I told her how absurd that was, she muttered "Fuck it" and left. FML

by Anonycunt / 07/27/2013 at 12:30pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Love

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

by josh / 01/23/2009 at 7:33am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She has been there all day. FML

by Azcrazy / 08/03/2009 at 1:16pm / United States / Work

Today, I had to pay a $150 late fee because my landlord didn't receive the rent check. My boyfriend had addressed the envelope to himself and put the landlord's as the return address. FML

by sunflower226 / 08/05/2011 at 5:41pm / United States / Money

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

by fuck / 03/18/2015 at 1:40pm / Netherlands / Miscellaneous