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Friday 1 August 2014

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

#21228111
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49384) - you deserved it (21318)

On 08/03/2014 at 1:16am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

#21227114
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45772) - you deserved it (7798)

On 08/01/2014 at 9:57pm - kids - by WickedRene (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my fiancé said "Rachel" instead of my name when asked to repeat, "I take thee, Emily, to be my lawfully wedded wife." I was shocked, so he explained while laughing that he doesn't even know a Rachel. He ruined our wedding for a Friends quote. FML

Today, I found out that if you wake your 7-year old sister up by plugging her nose, you'll wake up the next morning, taped down and unable to move as she pours ice water on you. FML

Today, my girlfriend's dad returned home from deployment. Being the grade A fucktard that I am, I got flustered and asked, "So um, did you make it back?" He looked me dead in the eyes and said completely deadpan, "No, obviously I died. Moron." FML

#21226906
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36278) - you deserved it (24350)

On 08/01/2014 at 4:45pm - misc - by whoops (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I let my coworker use my PC during lunch, because his was having problems. A few hours later, my boss called me into his office and gave me hell for apparently looking at furry porn during lunch break. He won't believe my explanation. For fuck's sake, Dave. FML

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

#21225641
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45285) - you deserved it (4900)

On 07/31/2014 at 7:38am - misc - by lostintdot (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I got a call from my very drunk boyfriend at 1:30am asking for my permission to have sex with a "gross fat chick" he met at a pub, because he "felt sorry for her". The conversation ended with me getting hung up on because I "don't have a heart". FML

#21232277
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48836) - you deserved it (4570)

On 08/08/2014 at 2:05am - intimacy - by pocketrocket90 (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

Today, I put on a porno, trying to unwind after a bad day. 10 minutes in, I was so pissed off with the girl constantly repeating "You like that? Yeah?" and the cameraman's obsession with the guy's asscrack that I started yelling at the screen. Now I'm more stressed than ever. FML

#21232670
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41073) - you deserved it (13643)

On 08/08/2014 at 5:29pm - intimacy - by FUCK YOU (man) - United States

Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML

#21229613
135 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51109) - you deserved it (4410)

On 08/04/2014 at 10:00pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went for a romantic, anniversary meal with my wife. It was amazing, until we had to rush home halfway through because our daughter rang, informing us that her 20-year-old sister had broken her wrist trying to jump from the roof, onto the trampoline and into the pool. She 'miscalculated'. FML

#21230823
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42236) - you deserved it (3701)

On 08/06/2014 at 9:21am - kids - by We raised that fool (man) - United Kingdom (Derby)

Today, I was pulled over for distracted driving. I'd been eating a donut. Let's just say the officer didn't appreciate being offered one. FML

#21223797
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40722) - you deserved it (14547)

On 07/29/2014 at 2:20pm - misc - by fatty magoo - United States (Washington)



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