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Tuesday 9 July 2013

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Today, my 15-year-old daughter's pregnancy test came back positive. I wanted to know who the father is, so I could sit the two of them down to talk the situation through with them. She isn't sure if it's her best friend, or our neighbor's son. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2013 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I came home at 1am to find my mom sitting on my couch, ranting about how I'm not supposed to stay up this late. I'm 26 and I don't know how she got into my house. FML

by whowhat / 07/11/2013 at 2:26am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

by fuck / 07/13/2013 at 1:22pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dog decided to poop while inside a revolving door. Before I could do anything, the door swung around and smeared it everywhere. My dog excels at timing. FML

by PerfectTiming / 07/08/2013 at 7:19am / Netherlands (Noord-Brabant) / Animals

Today, I went to my local pool. I lay down in a chair and started tanning. About 30 minutes later, a lady came up to me and said, "Put that away, you pervert, there are children here!" I had a hole in my pants and my penis had started to poke through. FML

by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 12:07pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I were at the movies. When the "love scene" came on, she leaned over and made out with the wrong man. FML

by a man / 07/13/2013 at 9:20am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML

by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 3:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2013 at 1:24am / United States (Maine) / Transportation

Today, while at the doctor's, a week overdue with my first child, I was told that sex and orgasms can sometimes help to induce labor. On the way home, my boyfriend asked for road head, arguing that "She said that stuff about orgasms." Not you, honey. FML

by realitybites / 07/08/2013 at 1:03pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

by thanks, Nemo. / 07/11/2013 at 7:13pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

Today, my 15-year-old birth daughter asked if I've ever had sex. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2013 at 12:38pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

by TNDriver / 07/16/2013 at 9:12am / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

by yayme. / 07/11/2013 at 6:26pm / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous