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Monday 11 March 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I discovered the "may have a laxative effect" warning on my sugar-free jelly beans should actually read "don't fart after consuming". FML

#20543064
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26938) - you deserved it (4844)

On 03/14/2013 at 2:21am - health - by Kimberpoo (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was cleaning a house. While dusting a rickety nightstand, a drawer fell open and a light-up dildo fell out and turned on. I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. FML

#20541893
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31141) - you deserved it (2363)

On 03/13/2013 at 9:36am - intimacy - by OptimusVader (woman) - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

#20544221
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30777) - you deserved it (8221)

On 03/15/2013 at 12:01am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Wisconsin)

Today, since I hadn't eaten and was about to have a three hour class, I bought Panda Express. I sat opposite my classroom to eat. Soon after I started eating, a wad of saliva dropped into my bowl, and I heard someone yell "BONUS POINTS!" from the second floor. FML

Today, I found out why my boyfriend likes to do my hair and makeup for me. Far from it being some kind of fetish or hobby, it's because he thinks I do such a crappy job that feels he has to apply it himself so I don't "embarrass" him when we're out in public together. FML

#20543666
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25656) - you deserved it (8288)

On 03/14/2013 at 5:01pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Germany (Thuringen)

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

#20545967
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9119) - you deserved it (62287)

On 03/16/2013 at 10:58am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I finally got a tattoo of an alchemy symbol that I've wanted for years. I also found out later that symbol stands for urine. FML

#20539190
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8576) - you deserved it (44675)

On 03/11/2013 at 3:43am - misc - by PeeLeg (woman) -

Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML

#20543737
163 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33547) - you deserved it (2455)

On 03/14/2013 at 6:04pm - misc - by grandson of a p.o.s. (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

#20538947
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26619) - you deserved it (1702)

On 03/11/2013 at 12:09am - misc - by marcymoo - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

#20540360
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23372) - you deserved it (8059)

On 03/12/2013 at 12:43am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

#20545680
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36801) - you deserved it (4200)

On 03/16/2013 at 2:19am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I discovered that the reason my mom hasn't been noticing the extra cleaning I've done lately is because her boyfriend took credit when she asked about it; and was rewarded for it in bed. I helped him get with my mom. FML

#20545866
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35629) - you deserved it (3441)

On 03/16/2013 at 8:17am - misc - by nomorecleaning (woman) - United States (Maine)

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

#20546016
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31682) - you deserved it (6913)

On 03/16/2013 at 11:51am - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Nebraska)



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