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Sunday 3 March 2013

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Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

by fuck you, gran / 03/08/2013 at 7:38pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

by thepokemonkid / 02/27/2013 at 12:03am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML

by HeatherRosure18 / 02/25/2013 at 6:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, a guy I went on one date with asked me out again via text. Being honest, I texted back, politely saying that he was a good guy but I wasn't really interested. He came over to my house, screaming about how awful I was for "text message breaking up with him" and then cracked my windshield. FML

by fuckedover / 02/26/2013 at 11:43am / United States / Love

Today, while I was studying for an exam, my younger sister came home extremely drunk and threw up all over herself and her bed. I later got grounded for not setting a better example. FML

by catdog552 / 02/28/2013 at 6:02am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

by pooh anne / 02/26/2013 at 3:26pm / United States (Arkansas) / Love

Today, I showed my wife an article about how frequent orgasms can prevent prostate cancer, as well as increase both partners' overall health. She replied that she wouldn't judge me if I masturbated, as long as I don't use porn. FML

by marriage/celibacy/synonymity / 03/08/2013 at 6:36pm / Norway (Hordaland) / Intimacy

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

by it's shitty, yeah, stfu / 03/07/2013 at 12:10pm / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Love

Today, my coach held a BBQ for the whole team. He told us to eat up, because we wouldn't be working out today. He lied. After eating the equivalent of a Thanksgiving dinner, we had to do team relays. FML

by Anonymous / 03/04/2013 at 5:24pm / United States / Health

Today, my boss gave me the task of firing a recently-hired coworker next Friday. This guy spends most of his off-hours working out, probably abusing the fuck out of steroids, and to whom prison is like a bed-and-breakfast. I fear for my life by this point. FML

by cthulhu help me / 03/01/2013 at 1:22pm / United States (Arkansas) / Work

Today, when my doctor told me I had symptoms of an STD, I had to repeatedly try to convince her I'm a 28-year-old virgin. Even as I left she still didn't believe me. FML

by Brook / 02/26/2013 at 3:21am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I was told I've secured the job I applied for at my local hospital. Being just 19, this is a great opportunity, and I told my parents. They angrily asked if I'd applied just to get access to drugs, then demanded to know how I'd managed to pass the drug test. Thanks for the confidence. FML

by Anonymous / 03/10/2013 at 9:51pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

by Anonymous / 02/25/2013 at 12:44am / United States (Missouri) / Health