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Today , I caught mah dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him , but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass , I chased after him in mah underwear , earning myself the attention of mah neighbors on each side of mah driveway.
Taday ma best friend told me about a vicious rumor tat's going around, saying I contracted a orrible STD. I asked er if se told everyone it was a lie. Se said no, cuz te rumor is apparently ( way too funny to ruin. ) Maybe it's time fir new friends. mega FML
2day my car is still in te sop, so I askd my psyco broter to drive me to te mall. He spd up to nerely 20km over te sped limit, so I soutd for im to stop before e got us bot killd. He it te brakes in te middle of an intersection, and wouldn't move again until I got out. FML
Yesterday, I flew from Australia to the UK to meet the woman I love. After two years of talking, and having gotten a love letter for mah birthday a few months prior, I was convincd we'd have a great time. Turns out she doesn't know wat she feels for me. I'm staying with her for the next 35 days. FML
Yesterday , mah dad forced thehole family to sit through a two-hour lecture , with supporting research , on how the ( Mayan prophecy ) is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he think we're all borderline brain-dead , gullible fuckwitho believed it to begin with. Thanks , dad. big fat FML
Today... I have a cold. I can't begin to count how many times I've sneezed throughout the day... but I can count how many times I've sneezed so hard that I've peed myself: twice. Oncehile I was at work helping a customer... the otherhile sitting on the couch next to mah boyfriend. FML
Friday 27 March 2015