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Thursday 6 December 2012

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Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

by XxtentaculonxX / 12/08/2012 at 5:52pm / United Kingdom (Argyll and Bute) / Love

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

by poopsthegame / 12/03/2012 at 2:36am / United States (Hawaii) / Transportation

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

by Anonymous / 12/05/2012 at 6:27am / Israel / Kids

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

by Vassy / 12/04/2012 at 1:51pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

by ihncredible / 12/10/2012 at 6:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, I was out clubbing. My girlfriend went to get us drinks, so I danced alone while I waited. Some girl with hideous meth mouth, who was clearly tripping balls, started harassing and groping me and got all three of us kicked out when my girlfriend returned and beat the hell out of her. FML

by Anonymous / 12/07/2012 at 4:28pm / United States / Love

Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2012 at 12:44am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

by catlover / 12/13/2012 at 6:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

by LLCK / 12/10/2012 at 5:13am / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

by Bug5992 / 12/09/2012 at 5:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

by golfstar11 / 12/10/2012 at 9:05pm / United States (Georgia) / Work

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

by Matt8 / 12/06/2012 at 8:07pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend was complaining to me about her problems. I tried to be a good, understanding friend, listening and giving advice. When it was my turn to vent, she interrupted me, saying, "Sorry, but I don't really care." FML

by sushichick / 12/12/2012 at 7:44am / United States / Miscellaneous