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Wednesday 27 February 2013

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Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by quietly undressing and sneaking into the bathroom to join him in the shower. He was bent over taking a dump, pushing his turd down the plughole. FML

by anony / 02/27/2013 at 8:49am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

by Ugh / 02/27/2013 at 4:42pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, trying to be nice, I sat with the lonely kid at lunch. While eating, he started laughing and showed me his hit list. I was at the top. FML

by dangerZone / 02/27/2013 at 11:43am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I asked my boyfriend where he went to lunch. He said he went to Wendy's. I teased him and asked if he got tired of eating burgers and Frosty's all the time. His response? "What? No, I mean at Wendy's. You know, the hot girl from work?" FML

by Anonymous / 02/27/2013 at 12:36pm / United States / Love

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

by DumbCuntApparently / 02/27/2013 at 3:52pm / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

by panicelement / 02/27/2013 at 2:17am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

by Chelsea / 02/27/2013 at 5:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my mom has linked my iPhone with her iPad and has been secretly reading my texts. FML

by segal1010 / 02/27/2013 at 7:27pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally made a Facebook account after being home-schooled my entire life. I friended people that I know and their friends, and subsequently sparked a debate on whether or not I exist. FML

by thepokemonkid / 02/27/2013 at 12:03am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

by thecatlady / 02/27/2013 at 2:12am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, I saw my car being broken into on the street below my apartment. Too scared to stop them myself, I called the police. Before I could even tell them what was going on, they put me on hold. It was a good 5 minutes before I realized they'd hung up on me. FML

by forgotten / 02/27/2013 at 7:42pm / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

by girlymae / 02/27/2013 at 2:59am / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the only positive accomplishment my boyfriend has made in the last 3 years is that he started wearing deodorant. FML

by butterflyzag20 / 02/27/2013 at 10:28pm / United States / Love