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Friday 14 June 2013

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Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

by I fathered a pussy. / 06/14/2013 at 6:12pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, as I was walking home, I saw an ambulance pull into my driveway with its sirens blaring. Thinking it could be for my sick father, I started frantically sprinting. I managed to trip on my pant-leg, twisting my ankle in the process. They were just turning around in my driveway. FML

by Anonymous / 06/11/2013 at 12:12am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. My dad just looked him dead in the eyes and said, "How much did she pay you? I doubt it was enough." FML

by Anonymous / 06/13/2013 at 2:56pm / India (Maharashtra) / Love

Today, I was at a swim meet, swimming as hard as I'd ever swum before. During the last lap I saw no one in the lanes next to me. Thinking I was first, I became extremely excited. When I came to the wall, I realized the reason no one else was around: They already finished the race. I was last. FML

by :( / 06/14/2013 at 12:06am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

by fubuggie / 06/14/2013 at 1:57am / United States (Vermont) / Work

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

by CatLover<3 / 06/18/2013 at 7:27pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

by Oops / 06/10/2013 at 7:22am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 3:00 am feeling freezing cold and soaking wet. It turns out that my dad had opened my window when I was sleeping, and rain water had been pouring in on me all night. My hair, face, pillow, blankets, alarm clock, and homework were all soaked as well. FML

by Anon / 06/12/2013 at 10:40pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

by loveyadad / 06/16/2013 at 11:46am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous

Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML

by lehonj49 / 06/21/2013 at 12:10pm / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up at 5:30 and made the half hour drive to work only to find out that it was my day off. After finally getting back home and into bed, my boss called, requesting that I come back to work since I was "already up". FML

by Shitty Boss Shitty Job / 06/15/2013 at 1:41am / United States (Iowa) / Work

Today, in a fit of paranoid hysteria, my mom threw out my phone, claiming the NSA can look through the camera to spy on me. I guess that's why you're still using your own phone to sext your latest boyfriend, eh mom? FML

by whoriblemomindeed / 06/20/2013 at 12:02pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. 15 minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2013 at 11:23pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous