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Sunday 17 February 2013

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Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2013 at 8:08pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Animals

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2013 at 2:18am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

by really / 02/19/2013 at 10:27am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was giving my guy a blowjob. When he blurted out, "Oh Jesus" I assumed I was doing a good job. I looked up to see the expression on his face and noticed a look of terror. He was staring at my growling cat, two seconds away from clawing his face off. FML

by jealouspussy / 02/20/2013 at 1:55am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, at my grandpa's funeral, my boyfriend texted me while sitting right beside me, asking if we could have sex when the "family get together" was finally over. FML

by pissed girlfriend / 02/24/2013 at 10:08pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

by Anonymous / 02/13/2013 at 5:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the market to buy some groceries. Before I got even half-way home, a guy stormed toward me, pulled what looked like a knife, and chased me around the block while screaming that he'd kill me for sleeping with his wife. Nope, still a 15-year-old virgin here. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2013 at 4:50pm / Saudi Arabia (Ash Sharqiyah) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was babysitting, the little girl wanted to show me a picture that her mom had just sent to the family iPad via iMessage. Trying to be helpful, I clicked iMessage, only to see pictures of her father's erect penis. She won't stop asking about the "hotdog" in the picture. FML

by Scarlett / 02/16/2013 at 1:03am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, the guy I like asked me out for the first time. It's a good thing he did it over Facebook, because I started shaking and almost threw up. I don't know how I'm going to function on our date next week. FML

by Anonymous / 02/20/2013 at 2:31am / United States / Love

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

by notgay / 02/11/2013 at 9:30pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my upstairs neighbor has a cat. I was blessed with this knowledge when she threw several piles of used kitty litter and cat poop over her balcony and onto my patio. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2013 at 7:43pm / Finland (Southern Finland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

by curly_eyelashes / 02/24/2013 at 9:30am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, for the second time in two months, the person in the bathroom stall next to me commented on how loud I pee. This time, she made racehorse noises. I'm now too self-conscious to pee in public again. FML

by likearacehorse / 02/12/2013 at 5:58pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous