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Sunday 17 February 2013

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Today, I tried to give some change to a homeless man. My girlfriend pulled me away and ranted about how homeless people are all basically bastards who deserve their misfortune, and that I shouldn't give "our" money away. FML

by dating a fucking psycho / 02/14/2013 at 3:06pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

by singleandthankful / 02/23/2013 at 6:18pm / United Kingdom (Buckinghamshire) / Love

Today, for the second time this week, I was asked to stop putting on such an obviously fake "British" accent. I am British and have lived here all my life. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2013 at 1:53pm / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. It's okay, I know who the father is: my ex-boyfriend, who moved to Japan last week. FML

by juno_op / 02/11/2013 at 1:17pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML

by uhoh / 02/16/2013 at 12:27am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I uploaded the first chapter of my best writing yet to a popular writing website. After ten minutes, I was thrilled to already see one review and five comments. Each comment was telling me to immediately delete the story because of how horrible it was. The rating was half a star. FML

by Apparently not a writer / 02/20/2013 at 11:36am / United States (Delaware) / Work

Today, while I was shaving my nether regions, my trimmer slipped and ate a chunk out of my balls, right beside a vein. I've been bleeding on and off for an hour, and the New Skin I tried isn't able to dry quickly enough. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2013 at 2:58pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend made me play Slender. I was so terrified, I stopped playing 10 minutes in. Tonight, I kept hearing noises outside. When I peered out through the window, a bald figure in a suit was staring back at me. I shrieked in absolute terror; he burst out laughing. It was my boyfriend. FML

by stillfuckingcrying / 02/24/2013 at 4:20pm / Sweden (Kalmar Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, whilst on a phone interview with a college I really want to go to, my mother picks up the other line and shouts into the phone "She's not going to college, she's lazy and she'll only disappoint you." The interviewer hung up before I could say anything. FML

by parentalissues / 02/15/2013 at 10:50am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

by Anonymous / 02/23/2013 at 1:27pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Intimacy

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

by Fox / 02/24/2013 at 10:41pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

by ari / 02/18/2013 at 5:15pm / United States / Work

Today, the people living below me have been blasting their music so loudly that I can hear every word as clear as day. The people next door think it's my music and feel the need to bang on the wall and blast their music just as loudly in revenge. I have two very important exams tomorrow. FML

by Ughh! / 02/20/2013 at 3:40pm / France / Miscellaneous