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Sunday 10 February 2013

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Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

by theydidsmellitthough / 02/08/2013 at 4:59pm / Israel (HaMerkaz) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML

by Stoopiddogbot / 02/12/2013 at 8:18am / United Kingdom (Swansea) / Animals

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

by Edgarillo / 02/14/2013 at 2:59am / Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a half-hour conversation with my parents about going to college. I don't know what's worse, that they were trying to talk me out of it or that they're convinced that I'm going to get knocked up and drop out by the end of my freshman year. FML

by Anonymous / 02/04/2013 at 2:12am / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, my furnace broke down, almost a month after its twenty year warranty expired. It would have been replaced for free. Now I'm going to have to take out a loan to afford the $4,000 replacement. FML

by chillyinside / 02/10/2013 at 12:03am / Canada / Miscellaneous

Today, after more than a year of being single, I finally had sex. Unfortunately, it was only in a dream, and after we finished, he told me that I'm terrible in bed. Even my dream-lover is a dick. FML

by Anonymous / 02/17/2013 at 2:19pm / Botswana (North-East) / Intimacy

Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML

by Anonymous / 02/15/2013 at 6:22pm / Venezuela (Lara) / Miscellaneous

Today, after explaining to my four-year-old why our new puppy was peeing on things to mark his territory, my son decided to follow suit and pee all over our house. FML

by Anonymous / 02/16/2013 at 9:12pm / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

by embarassinggg / 02/06/2013 at 1:57pm / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Miscellaneous

Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML

by UuuuUUUUhhgghghghGHh / 02/09/2013 at 12:21pm / Kenya / Miscellaneous

Today, just so my family would think someone might actually be interested in me, I bought myself roses and attached a secret admirer card to them. My plan would have worked if I hadn't forgotten to take the receipt off the kitchen counter. FML

by Anonymous / 02/14/2013 at 8:18am / United States (Michigan) / Love

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

by MyLife / 02/06/2013 at 3:04am / Love

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

by Anonymous / 02/11/2013 at 2:46am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy