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Monday 4 February 2013

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Today, I got left in the middle of slow dancing with a girl I liked. She came back and said, "Sorry, I had to make sure the guy I really like knows that I don't like you." FML

by Greg / 02/10/2013 at 11:01pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I spoke to my crush for the first time, and after a while he asked for my number. Ecstatic, I took the first piece of paper I saw out of my purse. I wrote it down and gave it to him, but he handed it back and said, "You might need this." It was an appointment card for my therapist. FML

by sofuckingembarassing. / 02/11/2013 at 2:19pm / United States / Love

Today, working as a nurse, I saw a patient in for follow-up after a partial leg amputation. I checked her blood pressure and gave her the reading, which prompted her husband to ask what it meant. She replied, "I'm alive." Before I could stop myself, "And kicking" spilled out of my mouth. FML

by facepalm / 02/04/2013 at 10:30pm / United States (New Jersey) / Health

Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

by shaviTuT / 02/07/2013 at 2:44pm / Malaysia (Johor) / Animals

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2013 at 8:53pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, my roommate found an eviction notice on our door for unpaid rent. Our apartment building caught fire and we haven't been living there for well over a month because it was legally unlivable. Today was our first day back. FML

by fireenginemad / 02/10/2013 at 1:08am / United States (Washington) / Money

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

by Anonymous / 02/05/2013 at 5:59pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

by Anonymous / 02/08/2013 at 8:00pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML

by Anonymous / 02/09/2013 at 8:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Holidays

Today, my co-worker told me that I need to quit smoking because it was making me look and smell horrible. I've never smoked in my life. FML

by Mattrd / 02/04/2013 at 7:42pm / United States / Health

Today, I was partnered up with a girl in my art class, since the teacher had asked us to take turns drawing portraits of each other. I went first and felt pretty proud of how the drawing turned out. I showed it to her and she said "That's OK. I'm not good at drawing either." FML

by picasso / 02/05/2013 at 8:09am / United States / Work

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

by BonGoWash / 02/07/2013 at 9:45am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, a tenant in my apartment block told me about a nice shady place behind our building where he often goes to relax. Curious, I went looking for it. It was a quiet and secluded courtyard. At least until a man came out of nowhere waving a hammer in my face, screaming in a foreign language. FML

by Anonymous / 02/06/2013 at 6:14pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous