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Saturday 2 February 2013

Top of the day | Top of the week | Top of the month | All time

Today, I took my new girlfriend to meet my grandmother. We were drinking coffee when my gran leaned to one side and let out a huge fart. Proud of herself, she added, "That one didn't pay his rent on time!" Coffee came out of my girlfriend's nose. FML

#20484951
145 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35893) - you deserved it (4968) - Translated from the french version of FML. Bon appétit!

On 01/29/2013 at 2:56pm - love - by jay ze punk - France (Rhone-Alpes)

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

#20485916
137 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12893) - you deserved it (58070)

On 01/30/2013 at 5:13am - misc - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

#20491476
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43946) - you deserved it (5254)

On 02/03/2013 at 11:27am - intimacy - by Anonymous - Serbia

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

#20497809
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37976) - you deserved it (8633)

On 02/08/2013 at 1:24am - love - by katelynm - United States

Today, I won $50 on the lottery. On the subway home, I checked my pocket to see if the money was still there. A very professional man in a suit yelled, "Hey, that's mine!" I got several dirty glares. I'm such a pathetic wimp that I gave him the money. FML

#20497390
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14571) - you deserved it (53797)

On 02/07/2013 at 7:28pm - money - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

#20497647
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18290) - you deserved it (28462)

On 02/07/2013 at 10:58pm - animals - by fish killer - Canada

Today, after weeks of practice, I proudly did 9 chin-ups on my chin-up bar. As soon as I was done, my 11-year-old daughter came over and banged out 12 of them. Then she wiped her sweaty hands off and did 8 more. Then she gave me pointers on my technique. FML

#20493569
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33765) - you deserved it (7190)

On 02/04/2013 at 8:00pm - health - by WeakerThanaLittleGirl (man) - United States

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

#20485957
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39285) - you deserved it (4355)

On 01/30/2013 at 7:21am - love - by Denki (man) - China (Beijing)

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

#20493004
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57259) - you deserved it (3745)

On 02/04/2013 at 12:17pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

#20499258
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45078) - you deserved it (5760)

On 02/09/2013 at 7:00am - intimacy - by Lois - United Kingdom (Manchester)

Today, I had to drive to my workplace in blizzard conditions. Now that my 12 hour shift is over, I can't get out of the building, as the snow has blown into large drifts in front of the doors. I have to stay overnight until my next 12 hour shift. FML

Today, I found out that my roommate has been switching my protein powder with chocolate milk mix and brown sugar. Since I work out frequently, I've been consuming large amounts of this and have gained at least 10 pounds of fat. His reason? I turned his bookbag inside out. Once. FML

#20485077
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34173) - you deserved it (8870)

On 01/29/2013 at 5:56pm - health - by fatty milkshakes - United States



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