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Sunday 6 January 2013

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Today, my workplace was having a raffle and was giving away a Venus shaving kit. A co-worker won, but instead of keeping it, she walked over and handed the basket to me in front of everyone, said "You need it more" and walked away. FML

by shaving kit / 12/31/2012 at 5:17am / Work

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2013 at 12:20am / United States / Intimacy

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

by Anonymous / 01/11/2013 at 2:47pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized I'm so lonely that I get comfort from hearing my neighbor snore through my apartment wall. FML

by LilRedRiding_27 / 01/13/2013 at 2:24am / United States (California) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML

by Mary / 01/13/2013 at 10:49am / Czech Republic / Miscellaneous

Today, during the countdown to midnight, I looked for my girlfriend so I could kiss her as 2013 began. I found her just in time to see her making out with some guy she swore was "only a friend." FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2013 at 2:50am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

by Anonymous / 01/02/2013 at 5:34am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, while talking to one of my parents' friends, we discovered that the house he grew up in is the same house my boyfriend now lives in. When he recalled that he lost his first tooth there, the only response I could come up with was, "Oh my gosh, I lost my virginity there!" FML

by anonymous / 01/03/2013 at 5:34am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, was my birthday. Today was also the day that my mom's cat died four years ago. She was too busy crying and looking at old photos of her beloved cat to even wish me a happy birthday. FML

by Birthday girl / 01/06/2013 at 12:59am / United States (North Dakota) / Miscellaneous

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2013 at 12:54am / United States / Transportation

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2013 at 7:41am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

by Coldandshoeless / 01/08/2013 at 5:40am / United States (New Jersey) / Animals

Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML

by deadhammy / 01/11/2013 at 2:09am / United States (California) / Animals