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April 2013

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Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML

by Soundofaboner / 04/23/2013 at 12:08pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

by hatemyjob / 04/23/2013 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Work

Today, I discovered why my boss kept on scheduling me to work doubles almost every day. It wasn't because she knew I needed the extra money; she was hoping that my boyfriend would break up with me because I'm never home, and date her instead. It worked. FML

by mybossisanass / 04/23/2013 at 4:17am / United States / Love

Today, my cousin is visiting from Oklahoma. He can't go a minute without saying "YOLO" or "Swag". He's going to be here for a week. FML

by fuck YOLO / 04/03/2013 at 1:20am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

by jll14 / 03/31/2013 at 6:27pm / Malaysia (Sabah) / Miscellaneous

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 6:29am / Health

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

by Anonymous / 04/09/2013 at 2:01pm / United States / Health

Today, I confessed to cheating to my girlfriend. She decided to go up to the girl and ask her about it. The girl denied it and said she didn't even know me. My girlfriend walked up to me, called me a liar and punched me in the face. FML

by bad day Brutus / 04/29/2013 at 1:26am / United States / Love

Today, after an exhausting weekend of work, I decided to take a nap. I was awoken several hours later by my mother-in-law knocking on my door. Apparently my 11-year-old called up grandma to complain that she was hungry and that mum was sleeping instead of cooking dinner. FML

by jasminejzhu / 04/14/2013 at 5:58am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, I woke up to my husband taking a piss on our bedroom floor. I screamed that he wasn't in the bathroom, to which he responded, "Shut up! I'm taking a piss, let me finish!" He has no recollection of the event. Now I have to clean up his piss and rewash my clothes. FML

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

by Anonymous / 04/11/2013 at 4:21pm / United Arab Emirates (Dubai) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

by Anonymous / 04/02/2013 at 6:30am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

by Evalynne / 04/06/2013 at 8:55am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous