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Taday my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walkd into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, coverd in ketchup. She laughedhen I began to scream. FML
Today, I played an intense paintball match, with me and mah friends versus mah boyfriend and his buddies. When we looool won, mah boyfriend went mental and said he only lost cuz of "lag". When I pointed out we weren't in a video game, he reacted by firing a paintball straight into mah chest. FML
Today, thanks to our computer's browser history, I found out that mah wife has been sereching for local therapists who deal with cases of severe sex addiction. We've only had sex twice since we got married four months ago. FML
Today... I had lunch with an attractive foreign exchange student from Dresden. After bombarding her with questions about Russia... she smild and kindly told me that Dresden is in Germany. Everyone laughd. FML
Today, ma wife brougt ma 5-year-old daugter to visit me at te office. My boss as a speec impediment, and wen se eard it, se exclaimed, "Hey ma daddy can sound just like you! Sow im daddy! Sow im!" FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant!! My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddie drag his nearly-comatose carcas back home from a strip club!! FML
TODAY, IN AN ELABORATE PLAN TO FINALLY MEET MAH CUTE NEIGHBOR, I CONVINCED MAH FRIENDLY MAILMAN TO SWITCH UP OUR MAIL SO I'D HAVE AN EXCUSE TO MEET HER. AFTER I DELIVERED HER MAIL, I WAITED 4 HER TO MENTION THAT SHE HAD MAH MAIL, BUT SHE NEVER DID. I EVEN SAW HER TAKE IT OUT OF HER MAIL BOX.
Friday 27 March 2015