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September 2012

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Today, I had a date with a guy from the Internet. I'm 6ft1, which tends to put potential dates off, so I'd slyly knocked a few inches off my description. Turns out he'd done the same. He'd added a whole foot to his height. I had to crouch to talk to him. FML

by TallGal / 09/14/2012 at 4:26am / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

by RawrSparkle / 09/21/2012 at 3:31am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while my husband and I were arguing, he walked away in the middle of my sentence yelling, "Remember babe, you're only my current wife!" FML

by JB / 09/09/2012 at 4:34am / United States (Kentucky) / Love

Today, I met a really cute girl at a club. At first, she told me I was cute. Then, she slurred that I look like "a spork on legs." Then she sprayed the inside of my mouth with vomit as she kissed me. FML

by anonymous / 09/02/2012 at 6:31pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was in a mall bathroom when two girls started making out in the stall next to me. Before I could leave, they got really into it and caused our shared wall to tear from its hinges and collapse on top of me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2012 at 3:02am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

by / 09/26/2012 at 10:29pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, after having a long talk with my mother about gays, she told me that she was totally open. I felt completely relieved, being gay myself. Seconds later, she said, "But not for you. I want you to find me a nice girl that can give me lots of grand kids." FML

by EvilMother / 09/13/2012 at 8:57pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

by Anonymous / 08/31/2012 at 7:16pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I found out why the girl I like won't give me the time of day. Apparently, I called her ugly and pushed her into a puddle when we were in kindergarten. FML

by thatwas10yearsago / 09/27/2012 at 10:41pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, while shopping, I saw a little girl and her mom. The girl was pouting so I tried to cheer her up by asking her if she was a princess, because she was so pretty. She smiled but her mom looked at me with disgust and told me to, "Get lost, pedo." I'm a 17-year-old girl. FML

by well okay then / 09/10/2012 at 12:39am / United States / Kids

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2012 at 10:14am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, my fiancé told me that the thought of having sex with a pregnant woman repulsed him. I'm pregnant. He's glad he got that off his chest FML

by thankshun13 / 09/06/2012 at 10:45pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

by steve / 09/05/2012 at 4:14am / Australia (Victoria) / Love