Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20072) - you totally deserved it (3018)
On 11/05/2009 at 1:41am - love - by dumper - United States
What? The kind of people who need to poop? Do you have one of those bags taped to your side? I can see why you would be jealous of someone who could poop.
#47 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:19am by pleasetryagain
#47 Don't be an ass. I have one of those "bags" aka an ostomy, and I'm not jealous of those who use the bathroom normally. I would be dead if I didn't have it and I'm grateful.
#67 - On 11/05/2009 at 12:50pm by morganljc
The only thing I find funny abt this FML is that somebody thought it was worthy of an FML.
#85 - On 11/05/2009 at 3:36pm by alexandraa
I think it's more of his phrasing than the fact that he needs to poo. Do you think she would write an FML if he had said, "I'll be back in a few minutes, I just need to go to the toilet/bathroom first."
#94 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:37pm by 8trickster8
This totally made my day hahaha. Very nice... very subtle.
#124 - On 11/07/2009 at 4:50pm by bandaidface
Since it's your first date ever, here's something you should know about guys: Sometimes, they have to poo. Even when they're on a date. It's not their fault, it's just the way their bodies work.
Seriously not an FML. Apparently he's very comfortable with you. And he might have been a bit nervous, which causes a lot of people to need a restroom pronto.
Not an FML.
#26 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:33am by BeeSkwaird
When you gotta go, you gotta go. I don't see how this is an FML. Was the rest of your date just terrible?
But like #6 said: when you gotta go, you gotta go...
Would you keep it in till forever if you're on a date? Its better to be relaxed instead of feeling uncomfortable because of it.
And on the other hand... he could have said in different words!
Yeah, the people who are into scat are people too. Therefore my point stands. Some people find it sexy.
#49 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:45am by lauralatch
i take like 30 mins when i shit cause i crap like every 4 days for some reason
:/
#23 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:23am by ILIEKGIRLS
that could just be a metabolism issue...
you may wanna get it checked out.
on the other hand, it could be perfectly normal.
I get that everyone has to poo, but saying it like that on a first date to a girl is the equivalent to, "I can't wait to see how my herpes looks all over you".
So what? Everybody poops. They even wrote a book about it. And sometimes that shit just doesn't want to come out.
Or perhaps you were just disappointed because you wish he had taken that dump on your chest? ;-)
yes eveyone poops. but imagine if it was the girl saying "i need to take a dump" on your first date. are you really saying that a guy would not be turned off by that?
#130 - On 11/11/2009 at 3:30pm by dwindling81
Congrats, you're the author of one of the most imbecillic comments on the whole site, and that's quite a feat.
Were you born this dumb or did you just not realize that people had to grow up and all end up going on their first date some day or another? OP is young, which is why it was the first date. It doesn't means anything about them being unappealing.
You on the other hand, probably didn't have a first date yet, or you wouldn't have said that. XD
ok so maybe he couldve just told you he was going to the bathroom, but if you really like the guy you wouldn't care that he's sharing with you the fact he has to take a shit.. get over it button anyone?
#16 & 17: Your button is on the Moderate page, right next to the Yes button, kthxbai.
#25 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:29am by TheIrishJaneDoe
Pfffffft.
How is this an FML? He didn't leave you, did he? Grow up. You were left alone for 10 minutes, who cares? He had the decency to come back, didn't he? Also, he showed up! And sharing this thought may have meant that he felt comfortable around your presence, which is a good thing!
GET OVER IT.
#27 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:37am by Srain
This FML doesn't 'seem' like a big deal but think about if it was YOUR first date. I would be so mortified. It's not so much the fact that he had to take a dump. Like the book says Everybody Poops but for a guy to say that he actually has to take a dump? On your first date ever? He really should have just said he needed to go to the bathroom once they had settled down into a table or wherever. I hope she didn't agree to go on another date with him if he asked her for one!
It's her first date, so they're obviously youngsters. He's just a kid, probably with a sense of humour. The OP is overreacting, and if she really doesn't like those kinds of comments, they're not right for each other and she should just not see him anymore.
#110 - On 11/06/2009 at 6:47am by iamseamonster
Everybody poops. It won't stop. It won't even stop if he really truly loves you. It's a disease, that pooping.
#29 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:41am by marshmallowmouse
you're stupid as hell, this is not an FML! And to #12, how does being blunt for the sake of comedy and saying "i have to take a dump" equal saying I want to give you my herpes???? Slightly different there...
I hate Herpes....... I must say I am cute.
But I got Herpes 6 months ago, my boyfriend left me. I had to date singles living with Herpes on Positivefish.com =.
Thank god, I finally met someone!!
At least he look care of it at the beginning and not during sex.
#32 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:50am by SenGaeriel
He needed to go and knew he was going to take a while so he was just being considerate by telling you what he was doing.
If he left for 10 minutes and didn't tell you where he was going you'd probably think he'd ditched you and you might have left by the time he was done.
He could have phrased it better though. He could have said something like he's got an upset stomach and might be a while. It would still have been obvious what he meant but he wouldn't have had to directly mention faeces.
Oh, you poor dear, no one has told you about modern dating rituals! Here's a chart you must commit to memory. Upon meeting, if the guy says to the girl:
"I gotta take a dump" -> I want to have sex with you at the end of this date.
"I gotta pee" -> We can make out a little bit later.
"I have to wash my hands" -> You can give me a tug job later.
If he doesn't go anywhere ->"I'm going to the bathroom later to jump out the window and ditch you."
So you did really well for a first date ever! The only faux pas was that he didn't invite you to come with him and hold his hand as he defecated, because some guys cry a little when the poop.
"I poo because I cry; I cry because I poo."
It's better that he did this in the bathroom instead of on your chest. I understand that this is the first date and all, but you never know...
#42 - On 11/05/2009 at 8:56am by Brave_Sir_Robin
I don't really get the big deal here. Alright, he was a bit blunt, but at least he's comfortable with you. And as for leaving you sat by yourself for 10 minutes, what was he meant to do? Invite you into the bathroom with him?
#39 - On 11/05/2009 at 8:18am by clockworklolita
Wow. Some people amaze me. Do people like this really exist??
#41 - On 11/05/2009 at 8:45am by boboluvsme
If you were hot enough, he'd have put in more effort toward courtesy and class. At least you know for sure how impressed he is by you; where you stand. "I have to take a dump." = I'm not worried about being polite to her because she's not all that. "If you'll excuse me for a bit, I'll go use the restroom and be right back." = I better be polite during the courting phase because she turns me on and I don't want to mess this up. Also, if he had been polite, maybe his date wouldn't have timed his dump. lol. 10 minutes eh? I hear that males actually spend like an eighth of their lives taking dumps... so you might want to prepare yourself for a reality check.
I heard that 80% of statistics are made up on the spot...
#72 - On 11/05/2009 at 1:30pm by anniebananie
If it was your 1st date, it may've been his as well. YDI for not explaining social niceties to the boy....
I don't know about anyone else but i have a strictly "poop at home" policy. Sure sounds like you've caught yourself a charmer there
#51 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:50am by ChaplinSnakker
I do, but I thought that was a weird part of my OCD. Hey, maybe I'm not so odd after all.
#53 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:54am by lauralatch
Eh? Unless he was using it as an excuse to crawl out of the window or run to the bathroom to have a sex-chat with his "real" GF (or some such nonsense), I fail to see the problem. His manners could use some work, but I've seen worse in relationships which were actually healthier than ones without. He's only human.
Do yourself a favor and either grow up or ditch him, because the way you talk isn't indicative of the ability to handle relationships. In fact, the sooner you get over the "crush" itself and realize him for the human being he is instead letting the situation kowtow to your personal fantasies, then so much the better.
#52 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:52am by blastvortex
atleast he didnt just ditch yu. its not a big deal is it?
#54 - On 11/05/2009 at 10:04am by nicholleexo0
I'm not saying it's classy, but this is definitely the sort of thing I could see myself doing without thinking about it.
You should have offered him a blumpkin.
That may me rushing things for your first date ever, but you would have an amusing story to tell the family every Thanksgiving. "Well, kids, when I first went out with your grandpa, he said he needed to take a shit, and I said, 'Why don't we make it a blumpkin?' and we got married the next day." And you'll laugh and laugh!
You had to wait ten whole minutes? Holy fuck, how did you not kill yourself?
#59 - On 11/05/2009 at 11:16am by Amphysvena
*gasp* he should be hanged! I mean, come on! he goes to the toilet! How could you possibly date somebody who goes to do a poo?! your life is ruined.
but seriously, he said "dump" and not "shit" you have to give him some credit for that
#60 - On 11/05/2009 at 11:17am by polico_wolf
And you didn't offer to wipe him? That is just plain rude of you. As you go on more dates, you will find it customary for the girl to clean her dates shitty buns off after a solid deuce.
#61 - On 11/05/2009 at 11:24am by donkey_hang_down
"Ooh, I had to wait ten minutes all by myself, woe!" I suppose you're not allowed to stay home alone, either.
In any case, props for him for being honest right off the bat. Holding in poop is right up there with Chinese water torture, and I'll take getting a good crap out of the way over retaining my dignity any day. However, him taking a dump in a public restroom garners an instant killing from whomever walks in next, in accordance with the universe.
The next time you find yourself waiting for TEN WHOLE MINUTES ZOMG, there's always real/fake texting. I, personally, carry my Pokemon Blue and Game Boy Color with me everywhere, which may be why I have yet to have my first date. Dammit!
#63 - On 11/05/2009 at 11:36am by quoteXunquote
ahhh, a girl finally realizes that love isn't all frills and cupids everywhere...I like these kinds of moments
#64 - On 11/05/2009 at 11:59am by anonymous69
ugh see I dont think its a big deal he had to go to the washroom first off its that he said it like 'i have to go take a dump' and it was the first thing out of his mouth. if u have to go then fine, but really? you cant say hi first or jsut say your going to the washroom like a normal person?
CMON OBAMA MAKE IT ILLEGAL FOR PEOPLE TO POOP IF I HAPPEN TO LIKE THEM
This could've been avoided if only the government did their job!
#69 - On 11/05/2009 at 1:20pm by Nakedsquirrel
Brilliant deduction. I'll bet you didn't even need the magnifying glass.
#75 - On 11/05/2009 at 1:58pm by Nakedsquirrel
Are you all high or something? She's not bothered he had to go crap, she's bothered that it's the first thing he said to her and was so blunt about it.
#71 - On 11/05/2009 at 1:27pm by Pez_on_a_stick
Thank you! I don't get why everyone is misunderstanding OP's point. It's just so awkward that this is how he started off the date. If she has liked him for a long time, she probably had an idealized version of him and he totally broke the image by starting the date with the least romantic thing available. I'm sure that image would have broken eventually...but immediately? Sad for her.
This is where it starts...next thing you know you're sleeping next to the guy when he farts and wakes himself doing so. Doesn't get anymore romantic than that!
ok, help me here, nervousness can result in a colonic fire-drill...
now assuming the best here, its her first date because she is young, he is young too ergo inexperienced....
so if upon meeting a date, the colonic fire alarm goes off? what is the appropriate thing to say? this isn't as bad as some are making it out to be...they are not assuming, even for the purposes of discussion that there was a nervous young man who blurted out the truth instead of some lie, which, i personally would have trouble making up, that would pass an obviously skeptical female tribunal.
so, taking him at his word...what should he have said?
and if he was on a date and had to take a dump, wouldn't making sure you got everything that might be back there, even beyond one's normal routine, be understandable...
give the guy a chance, maybe, if things went ok otherwise....
#77 - On 11/05/2009 at 2:24pm by fucentarmal
The FML here is that:
-Its her first date and instead of this guy being polite and saying i need to use the restroom i will be back he says i need to take a dump and leaves
-NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING TO DO IN THE RESTROOM.
-My advice is stop talking to him or brake up with him cause that just shows the amount of respect he will have. I mean imagine this you take him to meet your parents and he says in the middle of your family having dinner " i need to take a dump" thats just stupid and disgusting
He was honest with you. Un-tactful, but honest.
Would you rather he said "Stay here!" and just disappeared??
Maybe he was nervous about the date too, and it made his stomach do flips.
So you wish he didn't say that. Great, your first date and you already want to change him...
MEH!
Oh my god, he took a shit. What kind of disgusting asshole courteously tells somebody they need to use the bathroom before they use it? YDI
If the reason for it being her first date is because she is young, then i'm assuming the guy is as young to. therefore... why are you expecting for him to be a perfect gentleman?? that isn't going to happen. if it was maybe 2 adults, then yes he deserves a kick up the ass for no tact... on the otherhand the OP could have meant she waited 10 mins before she realised he wasn't coming back....
#87 - On 11/05/2009 at 4:18pm by Emmeleia
How planned was this date? Sure sure, it's a cardinal rule; ALWAYS handle your business before you try to go out and express yourself.
But C'mon, really? Give the guy some credit, maybe he ate a burrito and it wasn't sitting well. Would you rather him just be farting the whole time, or keeling over to handle his crazy bad gas? I'm thinking no. Granted, more suave timing and words have been used in introducing the idea that you might need to branch off for a few and take care of what's yours, but at least he wanted to be able to focus on you, and not mad abdominal/intestinal pains.
Imagine his FML post:
"I was pretty bummed today, because I got this babe to spend some time with me, but some bad timing/meal-planning/turbulence/whatever was jacking up my stomach's life when we met up. I didn't want to stain my expensive pants, expose her to anything unpleasant, or feel distracted from her babe'n face, so I confidently let her know what was up, and handled it. It took a while, and now I'm pretty sure she just thinks I'm a nasty poop monster. FML."
#90 - On 11/05/2009 at 5:53pm by supertriton
LOL dude at least he didnt ditch u. he had to poop! not nearly as bad as if he got thr said he had to poop and climbed out the bathroom window. just be glad he came back.
#92 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:23pm by maddymayhem
Am I the first to notice that OP's nickname is dumper? *IRONY*
#93 - On 11/05/2009 at 7:35pm by bugmenotmofo
actually, this is not irony. her name was entirely intentional. there is no irony here at all.
#127 - On 11/08/2009 at 2:02pm by Amphysvena
Hold on. I was considering commenting on this, but then realized I have to take a poop, xDD
#95 - On 11/05/2009 at 8:02pm by cheetahboo2010
So I figure It's nothing but infatuation then? You picture the one you're infatuated with to be perfect in every way, which means they don't need to use the bathroom.
You'll be happier if you didn't flip shit (lulz) over little things.
#98 - On 11/05/2009 at 9:47pm by DeathShad0
I don't get why guys have to announce that they need to take a dump... seriously, I've heard that twice today! I don't want to know when you have to take a dump. really!
#99 - On 11/05/2009 at 10:15pm by quackquackquac
And? Boohoo, I had to sit by myself for TEN WHOLE MINUTES.
Suck it up and get a life.
#104 - On 11/05/2009 at 10:51pm by smackieonassis
What... the hell how is this an "FML" He had to take a shit? boo hoo. and boo hoo he didn';t say "i need to relieve my bowels" he's a dude. wtf do you expect. and to the post that said "most find this a huge turnoff"... it's good that you find pooping to be a turn off... very good.... but what the hell do they want him to do ? Soil himself so the chick doesn't need to wait for ten minutes? i'd rather know a guy is taking a shit then "disappearing without reason for ten minutes" who knows what they could be doing with those ten minutes... at least this way it's not a mystery
I don't get it. I really don't. And I'm a chick. That's not a turn off, that's a "aha, what? okay then"
Unless he didn't wash his hands.
Shit I say I need to take a dump... though usually not until I know a person real well and if I'm in certain moods. Still, it's not like he said "I NEED TO FUCKING SHIT, BABYCAKES"
Unless that ten minutes was meant to imply he bailed on you and you waited for ten minutes before you realized it?
#108 - On 11/06/2009 at 1:13am by DameGreyWulf
God you ignorant people, maybe this actually means that this guy REALLY trusts this woman?
Man how stupid can you get?...
#111 - On 11/06/2009 at 7:19am by red_queen
Is everyone on this page un-married or above the age of accepting that this is hilarious?
To the OP, stick with him. He's gonna turn out to be a keeper, and if you can handle something as miniscule as that, you're a cool chick. My brother is one of the nicest guys on this planet, and I'm pretty sure he pulled this off on one of his dates with his now wife. Just saying, it's not that big of deal to worked up over. Guys gotta do, what a guys gotta do.
Think why he wouldn't have gone earlier: what was he doing beforehand? Going to meet up with you! If it's a long trip it's totally reasonable to go the first chance you get. Maybe he was half as nervous as you. If you dumped him over that you're a bitch.
Why does everyone think this guy is an asshole?
#116 - On 11/06/2009 at 3:26pm by 42billybob
This just sounds like a typical guy, not much to hype about--he's human. And I don't understand why people would dump them instantly for this... what do you expect? A rose petal shower and serenade on your doorstep?
#120 - On 11/07/2009 at 2:26am by burbujas15
Sounds like me and I'm a nice guy! Although, I usually don't say that FIRST... maybe like the 3rd date.
#123 - On 11/07/2009 at 4:45am by NickP88
This is an ongoing joke between my boyfriend of over and year and I. We talk about our shits. Everyone shits. Stop acting like you don't in the name of being 'polite', we have asses and the food we eat has to go somewhere.
#125 - On 11/08/2009 at 2:29am by meheeeen
Having an anus myself, I am sympathetic to the "everybody poops" argument... But really, to say, "I have to take a dump" on the first date? Where the hell are his manners?
When you need to go, you need to go.
What else are you suppose to do?
Would you have rather him shit in his pants while sitting next to you the entire evening?
Maybe that would have been better, then him having the decency to use the restroom like everyone else in the fucking world.
#129 - On 11/08/2009 at 10:36pm by HighLife19
Well, everybody has to take a dump every now and then, it just happens that he was with you when he needed to go. Be grateful that he even turned up, it could of been worse :) Anyways bad beginnings make happy endings! :D
#132 - On 11/12/2009 at 2:51pm by Jane_Face044
There is a left out part...
"...I sat by myself for 10 minutes. During that span of time, me, the waiter, and about half the restaurant listened to the groaning, moaning, and the sickening splashing noises made by boyfriend. This would of been fine, had he not had to come sit back at my table, and had the eyes of the restaurant not made the shift from his face to mine. He also proceeded to do this two more times, and then I asked him to drive me home. Apparently, he was not content with destroying every stall at the restaurant, for he also asked to go to the bathroom at my home.
Later, I got a call from my friend: She had just eaten out with a group of friends, at the very same place my short-lived boyfriend and I ate at. She just could NOT stop the jeers."
#133 - On 11/13/2009 at 1:07am by SeeBrendenBurn
LMAOOOOOOO!! Oh My God;; Wtf is this Doing On Fml? .. The best thing To Do ; when he gets back; Is Say" Have Fun" Lmao; Like Jeese Play along
#137 - On 11/16/2009 at 10:37pm by iSpaceShuttle
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Well, what do you want him to do? Shit himself? Then I'd REALLY say FYL.
#138 - On 11/17/2009 at 1:30am by FruityLoooons
