Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my wife and I convened our families for a joint dinner, followed by me breaking the news that my wife is pregnant. My father visibly scoffed, and my grandfather spent the rest of the evening muttering to him about how "breeders should be shot". Wonderful. FML
Today, my husband told my mother-in-law that we're trying to have a baby. She decided to call me and explain in extreme detail what positions to try, and when. FML
Today, while at a family reunion, I jokingly asked my 18-year-old son, "When are you and your girlfriend going to give me a grandson?" He then retorted, "When are you going to die?" I was unable to answer at all. FML
Today, after the topic of grandkids came up yet again, my fiancé confessed that we've been having trouble conceiving. Later, I overheard his mum telling him to take my engagement ring back to the store and get a refund, because apparently I'm not worth marrying if I can't give him kids. FML
Today, I learned that my mother-in-law gives better head than my wife. How? It wasn't from my experience, but thanks to a casual conversation with my father. FML
Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML
Today, my father-in-law confessed during dinner that he watched me and my wife have sex that morning through the window. He even more awkwardly brought it back up later that evening to say I seemed very good at it, and tried asking for details about me and my wife’s sex life. FML
Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML
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Top comments
AlittleSanity 11
The left one, right?
tacojauns 45
Hey man any hole is a goal
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Comments (117)
candleandflame 19
Nice...
epicwaffles 7
Yes, unlike your plain top comment.
lilhellian 26
#1 I think your flame went out..
travtxson 5
Flame plain lame all the same...ahh "million dollar song right there"
fishstick557 14
41 .... What ?
Bakarra 22
41: Dont do drugs. Drugs are bad, mkay?
jarrettd 27
Just because you don't know the movie he is quoting from you thumb him down.
SomeRandomGuy15 18
71- Pretty sure he was thumbed down because the comment didn't make much sense in this context regardless...
jisaac09 25
Don't worry about it, it happens to the best of us.
courtney680 17
Classy..
Bakarra 22
I for one, know which hole is the baby maker, thank you very much...
AKGirlinSD 20
^Make sure you get a hold of OP and advise him, please.
AlittleSanity 11
The left one, right?
CareFace 16
Up the bum, no babies.
lilhellian 26
Guys we all know it goes in the ear..
Enslaved 36
Is that to hear when you're cuming?:P
enormouselephant 15
Just don't get hearing aids...
ShyAnn29 14
I thought it was in the nose
apax 9
And all these years I've been doing it in the one formed by my fingers and thumb.
Enslaved 36
"She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead" "Hey now you're an All Star get your game on, go play Hey now you're a Rock Star get the show on get paid"
Bibliovore 26
#17 -- Just to debunk any misconceptions among potential readers (not that anyone should be getting sex ed from this site, but stranger things have happened): It _is_ still possible for anal sex to cause pregnancy, just a lot less likely. Some semen can leak out, or be deposited upon pulling out, putting it very close to the vaginal entrance in a region that's presumably wet and thus swimmable, and it only takes one sperm to fertilize an egg.
CareFace 16
I clearly didn't say "around the bum, no babies."
kinky44 28
@75 Except that the ****** is slightly acidic, undetectable to humans but very much to sperm cells. This is why sperm is deposited deep into the ****** to give it a better chance for survival. There is no way the sperm could enter and travel the ****** on its own.
OptimusVader 23
Actually #79, the entire environment inside is slightly acidic. It's caused by the growth of good bacteria that balances pH levels. Semen is more basic, so the acid level doesn't kill it. It's highly unlikely, but still completely possible to get pregnant.
DanielleinDC 33
I have read of girls getting pregnant without intercourse or when the guy "pulls out" early. It's not common, but it does happen.
ZeroPath5 16
@92 Yep, some people fail to realize that there's precum before a man ejaculates
kinky44 28
The acid level does kill it. I don't know where you are getting that sperm is basic from because a living thing cannot be acidic or basic. An individual sperm cell would die and could not travel the entire vaginal canal by itself. Its not an opinion, its a fact. Nature works this way for a reason.
ImAFaker 29
Ummm 115 Lemons are alive and they are acidic. Someone didn't pass the third grade...
Spoderman170 8
Are you a potato? Your blood is slightly basic it has living cells in it
ironichalibut 24
Be happy you have a fun father in law! A lot wouldn't take that topic in such good humor.
AKGirlinSD 20
Exactly! A father-in-law that can make a joke, about that subject, is a keeper. I hope OP joked back.
Nicholi124 10
#4 lol your right that's a good father in law
LemonandLime 13
Personally I don't like how the OP said his wife had been struggling. There might be a problem with his sperm. He should have said "we" have been struggling.
Transfusion 8
Well, have you?
NothernNightmare 18
Listen to him! Obviously he did something right if he conceived your wife!
ShyAnn29 14
You mean helped his wife conceive.
pmadNess 16
No, Father-in-law is his wife's father, thus he helped her be conceived.
ShyAnn29 14
That's what I said, the Father-in-law helped his wife to conceive your (OPs) wife.
pmadNess 16
Didn't read that way to me, as you sent as a reply to #6, rather than a comment to OP.
ShyAnn29 14
I must have read 6 wrong, sorry, I read it as 6 saying the father-in-law conceived, which I was correcting by saying his wife is the one who conceived with his help.
ShyAnn29 14
Why am I being thumbed down?
tacojauns 45
Hey man any hole is a goal
scarpicide 5
I like it.
Kruiser 16
8 - your picture I perfectly suited for your comment. Priceless!
cb1002630 11
Ugh
travtxson 5
Lol kruiser your picture suited for all comments and is priceless.
ShyAnn29 14
Well you've got 6 holes to choose from: ******, anus, two ear holes, and two nose holes.
patxtreme83 7
Kruiser, it may just be me but the smoke in your photo looks like a penis and ballsack. Just sayin'
xxsakuraxx 29
You're forgetting about the mouth lol
Zack6849 8
@62 no.
UltimateGIRness 16
64- I thought the same thing
Bakarra 22
64: That's the joke, I've seen the picture before on 9gag
SomeDeadRabbits 8
#62 You must have some crazy times in the bedroom, am I right?
waffule365 16
well if he said that at least he doesn't sound upset lol
A7XCamaro 19
I would hope not, they are married.
Welshite 39
Your username gives me the impression that you aren't really sure. I suggest you listen to your father-in-law.
LovesSushi 25
At least he didn't make a diagram and show you what to do? I dunno, that does some a bit odd to say. I mean, what father wants to know HOW you are having sex with his daughter?
spliit_fml 8
sound* you're*
Zack6849 8
op's father-in law
LovesSushi 25
Right. If the OP is male, and he is talking to HIS father-in-law, then that means the OP's wife is the father-in-laws daughter. Why would a man want to know HOW someone is actually having sex with his own daughter, even if they are married?
sublimaze 6
That reminds me of a scene in the movie "She's Having a Baby" with Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern. It's definitely worth watching if you have the chance.