Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend, and he slid his hand up near my face too fast and ended up clocking me in the nose. It is the first time that I've ever had nosebleed while orgasming. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting heated, and he started to go down on me. In excitement, I accidentally drove a knee into his face. No amount of fondling his diddlestick made him forgive me for his bloody nose and swollen eye. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I was having sex with my partner and we got very into it. I went to wrap my hand around his neck and somehow accidentally poked my finger in his eye socket so hard he ended up in emergency. He still can’t see properly out of that eye now. FML
Today, I got my boyfriend's pants down for the first time and turns out my thumb is bigger than his erect penis. I already know he has weak tongue technique, but this is an extra slap in the face I do not need. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He was about to make me come so I lifted my arm above my head with pleasure. I accidently punched him in the eye, hard enough that he had to stop for a while because he said he felt dizzy. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend for the first time. I moved my leg to wrap it around him and accidentally hit his penis. Without thinking, I said, "Sorry little guy!" FML
Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my fingers got stuck between the wall and headboard. Screaming, he thought I was enjoying the sex and kept going even harder. I have 3 broken fingers. FML
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Top comments
EdenCrystal 21
Well he won't be getting a peck on the cheek anytime soon.
fuckedPriceless 17
Why were you being so nosy?
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Comments (105)
EdenCrystal 21
Well he won't be getting a peck on the cheek anytime soon.
nightowl713 25
Wow. He seems like a real douche. Sexual exploits should be kept between the couple. It's extremely demeaning to have ones personal life discussed. He seems pretty immature to me.
buttcramp 21
couldn't have said it better myself #42! OP, I would tell him you're not going to do him any sexual favors until he proves himself to be more considerate. I feel like the laugh from his friends meant more to him than your feelings.. not cool. I'd have a chat about it and take it from there because you don't deserve this.
Eff_Itt 20
#42 although I definitely see where you are coming from and I agree that most of the time that isn't okay, some people have the kind of relationship where they talk to their friends about things like and it's okay. Especially with teenagers that have mutual friends and can light-heartedly joke about that stuff.
itwasalongnight 10
Obviously OP was embarrassed about it, being new to the oral realm and all, and her boyfriend NEVER should have said anything to his friends about it. That's a very personal thing. My friends and I can and do talk about ANYTHING sex or otherwise, but I wouldn't say anything that I know would make my boyfriend embarrassed or uncomfortable! That's unacceptable behavior.
buttcramp 21
49, you're right until you said the part about light joking. I will tell my friends "oh my husband and I did things a little different last night and it was soooo good to mix it up!" that's all the details they need lol but if you do choose to be more open, it should be agreed between the couple that this is okay. Also, I don't think being made fun of behind your back by your partner is acceptable.
xx000o 27
It kind of sounds like his interest in OP is from her neck to her knees, and anything above doesn't matter.
lisslyi 19
Or on the wood either.
fuckedPriceless 17
Why were you being so nosy?
IloveToLaugh143 21
Hey at least she doesn't have to come up with her own stage name!
EternalRest 5
Shouldn't that be mouth-eye coordination?
cometkeeper00 3
god damn you're eager. Can't even wait to make sure it's lined up right.
sterling1113 15
Well I guess that was the first and the last time. At least for a while, anyway. It's not okay to share stuff like that with friends :( sorry OP
olpally 32
Woody woodpecker.... Hahaha. That mental image is hilarious! Better luck next time!
tygerarmy 35
Ha ha ha HA ha! Ha ha ha HA ha! Hahahaha!
NandaPanda 22
I'm assuming you are being thumbed down because nobody understood your comment, 14. I, however, found it hilarious =)
juan3611 14
#14 comment was the imitation of woody woodpecker's laugh if you didn't get the reference
thatguyybrian 12
That is the best situational pun I have ever heard.
FelKysier 7
Not right to share that, but haha creative nick name.
perdix 29
Ha ha ha HA ha!
karlcolt45 19
damn beat me to it
martin8337 35
Yeah, me too.
yesthisischarlie 8
?
jerryj 27
Own the new name! Imagine your boyfriend waking up to you pecking his morning wood.
raesos91 26
and that's when you tell him that his wood ain't pecking anything anytime soon.
karlcolt45 19
better your nose than your eye
simplysarcastics 26
Would she then become popeye?
crazytwinsmom 25
Be careful with that thing, you'll poke your eye out with it!