myownworld

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Red flag

Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

I spy…

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5 a.m. because she thought someone was watching her from the park. It was a trash can. FML

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

Today, the ex I still have feelings for made a post on Facebook announcing her two month anniversary with her boyfriend. She broke up with me less than two weeks ago. FML

Today, I told my dad I was going to the gym. He stood up and clapped. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML