BarfBagMcGhee

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML

Thanks…

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML