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Anonymous 3 September 2022, 00:00 United States

Just dependa things

Today, and since we moved on base, my neighbor’s wife has tried to have an affair with me. I got tired of it and told him. He blew smoke. I found out she’s in a cheating wife’s club, who all defend each other. She proclaimed to all our neighbors that I’m a predator and I'd attacked her. They believe her instead of my wife, who saw everything. FML

4 comments

bri_sci94 This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff Madison, United States

Romance is definitely dead

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

83 comments

EneughIsEnough 3 September 2022, 12:30

What a petty man

Today, I got mad at my wife for giving her male coworker a ride home. I know nothing went on with them because I tracked her phone, I’m mad that he offered her a job in the business he’s starting, because she’ll be making a LOT more money than me. FML

15 comments

Anonymous 3 September 2022, 15:00 France 🌶️ Spicy

Kinda sus

Today, I like it rough in bed and found the perfect lover to have fun with. Now I have to choose between going to work fully covered while it's 35°C and sweat like a pig, or to go lightly dressed and show a VERY suspicious amount of marks on my body. FML

7 comments

Anonymous 3 September 2022, 18:30

The popo

Today, I got a ticket for parking "illegally." I was waiting for my handicapped dad at the airport and had all the required documents to park as I did while waiting for him. The cop didn't care, and now I have to go through bureaucracy hell to get it cancelled. FML

2 comments

assdialed. This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff United States

Estranged

Today, I got a phone call from my dad, who I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but he did leave me an accidental voicemail, saying, "Oh shit, I didn't mean to call her." FML

36 comments

girlonthe19thfloor 3 September 2022, 23:30

Overly attached girlfriend flashback

Today, my boyfriend got hired as a customer service agent at an airline. I'm full of anxiety ever since, because he has a cheating past. I then find out he has to fly out to Texas for two weeks training, and to top it off its all girls in his team. I don't want him to wanna go join them for city exploring, or food and drinks. He’s mad at me for it. FML

9 comments

Elliz 4 September 2022, 02:00

Better off

Today, I was stalking my ex-husband’s Facebook. He looks so happy with his new, supermodel-perfect girlfriend who he left me for. She’s everything I’m not. I kinda regret giving birth to two kids and my body changing forever. He’d still be with me. FML

14 comments

Patrick 4 September 2022, 04:30

Wizard skills

Today, I was looking after my 9 year-old nephew when I let him play some web games on my MacBook. A few hours later, I found out I'd underestimated his tech skills, as he'd changed all my contacts to "Mr. Spongebob Squarepants." Thanks to iCloud, all contacts on all my devices were changed. FML

3 comments

anon 4 September 2022, 07:00

Ain't no rest for the wicked

Today, I was diagnosed with COVID, and given a week off work to quarantine. When I sat down on the sofa, my girlfriend slapped the remote out of my hand and handed me a list of chores, "to do while you're lazing around on vacation." It's four pages long. Double sided. FML

6 comments

Anonymous 4 September 2022, 09:30

Assumptions

Today, I was called a paedophile and was physically attacked, because I parked in a spot directly next to a McDonald’s outdoor play area and sat there for a while. I was waiting for my drive-through order, in the spot where the staff told me to wait. FML

4 comments

AshlynnPrime This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff Owensboro, United States

My brother, the doofus

Today, I was watching TV when my sister-in-law called me, laughing. It turns out my brother got his head stuck between the bars on the stairs. Again. My brother is 29. FML

62 comments

Anonymous 4 September 2022, 14:30

Road rage

Today, while I was reluctantly driving to work on a Sunday, some guy in a shiny Audi threw a plastic root beer bottle full of urine at my old Toyota. He didn’t even bother to put on the cap on, like a gentleman would. FML

3 comments

Anonymous 4 September 2022, 17:00

Zapped

Today, I got electrocuted at work. The boss thinks I'm faking, even though a chunk of my left hand is gone. FML

6 comments

Anonymous 4 September 2022, 22:00 🌶️ Spicy

Red flag

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend after we went to my family reunion. I heard him complaining that I didn't have any "slutty cousins" he could cheat on me with. FML

5 comments

How old am I again? 5 September 2022, 00:30 United States

The R-word

Today, I had to listen to my mother painstakingly spell out to me why broken glass is extremely dangerous. Feeling insulted, I jokingly asked her if she thought I was "retarded". I then got yelled at for "swearing." I'm a fucking adult, but my overprotective and condescending mother seems to think otherwise. FML

3 comments

Anonymous 5 September 2022, 03:00 Paris, United States

Premature

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at dinner, which would’ve been nice if we hadn’t been dating for only two months, and dinner was at Subway. FML

2 comments

Oof 5 September 2022, 05:30 United States

Good deeds

Today, a wheelchair-bound kid in my study hall dropped one of his textbooks on the ground and he couldn't reach it. When I noticed, I stopped what I was doing to go pick it up for him. The problem is, he sits right in front of the door, so I got yelled at for "trying to leave class without permission." FML

5 comments

why???? 5 September 2022, 08:00

Natty dread

Today, I’ve been growing dreads for two years after I lost my hair to chemo. After visiting my boyfriend’s family, we all contracted lice from the kids. Even though I did the shampoo and treatment, my locks are too coiled to effectively comb out all the nits. I have to shave my head again. FML

4 comments

DumpedLikeADUmp 5 September 2022, 20:30

Not so subtle hint

Today, I come home from work to my bedroom to find all my husband’s stuff gone. There was a note in the dresser, with his wedding band, that read, “I hope you can take a hint. Sorry.” Not only was I dumped, and I can’t locate him anywhere, but I now have to cover his part of the mortgage which I can’t afford. FML

2 comments

Kimberly 5 September 2022, 23:00 🌶️ Spicy

Horndog

Today, my now-ex bf actually gave me the, “If we don’t have trust, we don’t have anything” speech when I caught him commenting “Soooooooo sexy! I’d hit that 24/7/365” on a girl’s photo on Facebook. FML

2 comments

Reaper This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff South Africa

Let down

Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I loved her. She said, "Me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML

101 comments

Ihateracoons 6 September 2022, 06:30

Darwin smiled

Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML

15 comments

Anonymous 6 September 2022, 11:30

Unfair

Today, my teacher just told me he is not going to allow any late work for my accommodations because I'm "just making excuses for not doing the work," including the tech not working. I'm visually impaired and can’t see the assignment. FML

4 comments

Angryparent 6 September 2022, 14:00 United States

Unusual cruelty

Today, I found out that my overweight daughter’s teacher starved her during a pizza party. She made her wait an hour until the entire class got a slice and their seconds. When it was her turn, there was only one tiny slice. According to her, she, “looks like she hasn’t missed a meal, she’ll be alright.” FML

9 comments

TheHangoverPart4 6 September 2022, 16:30 Waurn Ponds, Australia

It was wild

Today, it was my daughter's 11th birthday party. One kid broke a vase, another lost a (baby) tooth, and two kids, including mine, tested positive for Covid. My kid parties harder than I ever have. FML

2 comments

Rickymyass 6 September 2022, 21:30

Guilty

Today, I caught my husband saying, “Love you too, can’t wait to see you” on his phone. I asked him who he was talked to and he said, “my coworker Ricky.” When I asked to see his texts with “Ricky” he threw his phone out the fifth story window, saying “Oopsy!” He then threw a fit saying I owe him a new phone. FML

6 comments

Anonyme 5 September 2022, 14:20

La bonne blague

Aujourd’hui, j’ai 51 ans et j’ai mal aux seins depuis 3 semaines. Je dis à ma gynécologue que c’était sûrement la ménopause… Ou alors je suis enceinte, ha ha. Ha ha. VDM

6 comments

Anonyme 5 September 2022, 16:20

Pas maintenant, Jean-Eudes

Aujourd'hui, je me dépêche pour poster un recommandé hyper important avant 18h00. Un homme en voiture s'arrête à mon niveau. Croyant à un touriste égaré, je l'ai écouté. Il a bafouillé 5 longues minutes pour, au final, vanter mes fesses. Je suis arrivée à la Poste à 18h02. VDM

8 comments

Zeruel This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff

J'en peux plus

Aujourd'hui, la sonnerie électronique de la porte de mon entreprise est restée bloquée pendant quatre heures, le temps que le réparateur arrive. J'ai entendu 514 fois "Frère Jacques". VDM

38 comments