1known

Anonyme 24 December 2022, 00:20 🌶️ Spicy

Vous avez la carte du magasin ?

Aujourd'hui, je passe le week-end sans mon chéri chez ma mère. On parle des supermarchés qui envoient maintenant le ticket de caisse par email. C'est super, écolo, etc. Puis je reçois un email, mon chéri vient de faire les courses en mon absence. Sur la liste, un paquet de capotes. On est ensemble depuis 7 ans. VDM

13 comments

Anonyme 24 December 2022, 08:20 Limoges, France

Monsieur Sociabilité

Aujourd'hui, c'est le marché de Noël dans mon village. Je m'y rends avec mon frère, qui habite dans la grande ville à côté et ne connaît donc personne. Il a sympathisé avec plus de personnes du village en un après-midi que moi en 10 ans. VDM

2 comments

Anonyme 24 December 2022, 10:20

Rigueur de Noël

Aujourd'hui, alors que depuis un mois l'éducation de mon enfant repose quasi-exclusivement sur sa propension à mériter ses cadeaux de Noël, le Père Noël rencontré au supermarché a jugé utile de dire à mon fils qu'il aurait ses cadeaux même s'il n'était pas sage. VDM

7 comments

Anonyme 24 December 2022, 12:20

Spray

Aujourd'hui, une note pour les futurs parents : ne JAMAIS placer l'étendoir à linge propre en face de la table à langer de bébé. JAMAIS. Même à plus de 2 mètres. VDM

4 comments

cestdupoulet 24 December 2022, 14:20

Heuh… merci ?

Aujourd'hui, un inconnu m'a dit avec admiration que j'étais "callipyge". Un peu flattée sans trop savoir ce qu'il veut dire, je le remercie et trace ma route. Une fois chez moi, je cherche la signification : il m'a tout simplement dit que j'avais un beau mais gros cul. VDM

5 comments

Anonyme 26 December 2022, 20:20 France

Gâtée pourrie

Aujourd'hui, j'ai enfin reçu mes cadeaux de Noël de la part de mes parents : une boîte de masques chirurgicaux, un calendrier publicitaire 2023 offert par l'agence immobilière de leur quartier, et un paquet de chips, parce que "c'est pas bon pour leur hypertension." VDM

8 comments

Anonyme 26 December 2022, 22:22 France

Transfert

Aujourd'hui, je rejoins ma famille a 600km de chez moi pour mon anniversaire. En cadeau, une jolie veste d'hiver. Retour chez moi tout content avec ma nouvelle veste sur le dos, je ne retrouve plus mes clés. Elles sont restées dans la poche de mon ancien manteau à 600km de chez moi. VDM

2 comments

Anonyme 28 December 2022, 12:20 France

C'est une blague ?

Aujourd'hui, ma fille me demande comment on dit "vin" en anglais. Sans trop me poser de questions sur pourquoi ce mot, je lui reponds : "Wine". Quelques instants plus tard, j'entends : "Wine-one, wine-two, wine-three…" et là je me rends compte que le mot qu'elle cherchait était "Twenty." VDM

5 comments

Anonyme 28 December 2022, 14:20 France

Génération décomplexée

Aujourd'hui, je fête mon anniversaire en famille, et ma grand mère me lance : "Il faut que tu nous présente une copine tant qu'on est encore là." Puis elle ajoute : "Bon, par contre tu évites de nous apporter une noire, il y en a déjà trop." VDM

4 comments

Anonyme 28 December 2022, 16:20

Endoctrinement carniste

Aujourd'hui, en voiture à la campagne, ma fille de 4 ans regarde par la fenêtre et s'exclame : "Oh ! Un champ de viande !" C'était des vaches et leurs veaux. VDM

7 comments

écharde This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff

Victime du ménage

Aujourd'hui, une bouteille d'eau en verre s'écrase sur le sol de ma cuisine. J'éponge avec une serpillière l'eau et les mille petits bouts de verre, puis j'essore la serpillière au-dessus de l'évier. À mains nues. VDM

80 comments

Anonymous 18 December 2022, 00:00

Foreshadowing

Today, I sliced my finger open on a blender while removing a sticker that said, “Sharp blade, remove carefully”. I wouldn’t have gone near the blade if it weren’t for the stupid warning sticker that needed to be removed to use it. FML

2 comments

Melissa 18 December 2022, 03:00 🌶️ Spicy

Wifey

Today, the man I love and have lived with for over 5 years told me, “If you were the wifey type, I’d totally put a ring on it and make you mine forever.” So basically, all the cooking, cleaning, massages, and sex are all for nothing? FML

8 comments

andimanastudent This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff United States

Brain bug

Today, I freaked out when the remote wouldn't unlock my car. I stood in the rain trying to open the door. Unsure of what to do next, I called my boyfriend. He told me to "put the key in the door…" I'd forgotten about that option. FML

165 comments

Anonymous 18 December 2022, 09:00

Foreplay

Today, my girlfriend bitched that we spend too much money on food, and needed to start cooking to save money. I got home from work and started dinner. Halfway through, my girlfriend sighed and said, "This is taking too long, I'll order pizza." FML

5 comments

The lights will flicker on...and off... 18 December 2022, 18:00

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Like Shit)

Today, the massive snowstorm that has been mercilessly attacking my city for the past week started causing random, brief blackouts every 2-5 minutes. I'm very sick, so the last thing I need is for this house to be cold. FML

0 comment

PleaseStop 18 December 2022, 21:00

Delusional

Today, a female friend of mine keeps telling people we’re dating. No matter how many times I told her I'm gay and only attracted to men, she won’t take that for an answer. She’s actually arranged for me to meet her parents next weekend. FML

7 comments

Anonymous 19 December 2022, 00:00

Middleschoolers these days…

Today, my son told me he wants to be a cop or enter the military when he grows up. Why? "Cops get paid to kill useless members of society" and "Only the military can stop communism." FML

7 comments

MelodyPW 19 December 2022, 03:00 Algeria

Attention to detail

Today, I wrote an email for a job offer. I checked it, double-checked it, triple-checked it, and then sent it. It's only THEN that I realised my CV wasn't attached. FML

3 comments

Anonymous 19 December 2022, 09:00

It doesn't get better as you get older

Today, I woke up with a stinky smell piercing my nose. Yesterday there was a party at my boss’s house, where I got super drunk and passed out. When I regained consciousness, I realized my panties were wet, my pants were wet, and, of course, the bed was wet. I’m 21 years old. FML

6 comments

Anonymous 19 December 2022, 15:00

He's a keeper

Today, I went on a first date. He got so drunk he forgot what he ordered to eat ten minutes after ordering. He also had to text me later to ask if we kissed, because he couldn’t remember. FML

4 comments

ChristmasIsRuined 20 December 2022, 00:00

There's gold to be mined

Today, I found out that my husband has been seeing another woman and my 16 year-old daughter once caught them while I was at work. She didn’t tell me about it because she was enjoying all the hush gifts, shoes, purses, and the payments for her BMW X3. FML

5 comments

Anonymous 20 December 2022, 03:00

Alexa, play the Christmas album by Low

Today, to try to have a less depressing Christmas, I've put up a small tree in my apartment and wrapped some presents for myself. I woke from a nap to the sound of my cat vomiting. What did she throw up on? The presents. FML

3 comments

Effwmn 20 December 2022, 09:00

Life ain't a movie, son

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams, the girl I've loved for 3 years. I went to her desk and surprised her with roses, chocolates, and played “All I Want for Christmas is You.” She said no. On top of that, she ate all the chocolates. FML

8 comments

Anonymous 20 December 2022, 21:00 Chicago, United States

Cocobananas

Today, while celebrating my 10 years home from Iraq, my brother told us about his new affiliation with Scientology. Apparently, all those roadside bombs I keep dreaming about are just alien ghosts that need to be purged. What's worse is how well it fuses with his new brand of politics: YouTube QAnon channels! FML

3 comments

max This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff United States

My new BFF

Today, my wife got a new best friend. It's my ex-wife. FML

72 comments

ComeOnMan 21 December 2022, 09:00

Anger management class is next door

Today, before closing the library, someone came in to use the computer. He apparently forgot the password to his online banking, eventually getting so frustrated that he grabbed the monitor, yanked it from its cables, hurled it across the room, and stormed out. I don’t get paid enough for this. FML

3 comments

YEET 21 December 2022, 12:00

Slam dunk

Today, I was trying to find my phone. My friend found it, and instead of handing it to me like a normal person, he threw it at me. I'm terrible at catching stuff. It bounced off my arm and landed in his cup of Sprite. FML

4 comments

alyssa ig idk 22 December 2022, 00:00 Taylor, United States

Heavy load

Today, I realized why my sister has had so many fluids coming out of her, yet I was sick too and nothing was coming out. It's because everything I ate in the past 72 hours was piling up in my ass, and just came out as a monster 5 times bigger than normal, and left my ass on fire for 45 minutes straight. FML

5 comments

Bee This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff United States

The red knob incident

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

98 comments