Today, I made a bowl of spaghetti for my girlfriend and me. I tried the move from Lady and the Tramp where the boy and girl both slurp the same piece of spagetti and end up kissing. When I tried it, the spagetti went too down far my throat, and I ended up throwing it up on her. FML
Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML
Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML
Today, I was bitched out by my supervisor because of my lack of "customer service" skills. I work at a jail and all my "customers" are criminals. FML
Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML
Today, I took a crowded train home. I was holding on to the rail when an old man started rubbing his crotch across my hand. I moved my hand but he moved too and kept doing it. When I moved my hand higher, he started licking it. I had to wait ten minutes for the next stop. FML
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