Today, I found out that I was adopted, now my gay brother thinks it's acceptable to tell me that he's always wanted to have sex with me. FML
Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML
Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML
Today, I was rubbing my lips against my boyfriend's lips when I said, "Your mustache tickles" in a sexy tone. His response was, "So does yours." FML
Today, I told my 3 year old daughter to behave or I'd spank her. She looked right at me and said "Bring it." FML
Today, I was playing hide and seek with a few friends. I hid in the bathroom, under the sink in a cabinet. I ended up having to sit there quiet as a mouse while my grandfather took an incredibly long and vile dump. I was too afraid to move. Let's just say he didn't rush it. FML
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