megnicole1994

Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Halfway through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She now won't talk to me. FML

Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

A different kind of wind

Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

Pleased to meet you

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, while swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML